Forever | ✓

19. Julie

Liam

"Where are we going, Daddy?" Bea asked.

I was driving to a place, I hadn't visited in a very long time.

Before, I had promised myself that I would visited often, but just after the first time, the pain was too fresh and I couldn't anymore. I couldn't be there.

"We're going to see your mummy," I told Bea.

After speaking to Rena a little more, I realised that I was doing my job of not letting my feelings out, but simultaneously, I was keeping Bea away from all that was her mother.

She didn't ask questions, knowing it would upset me. She avoided speaking about Julie. All that cared about was me and my feelings.

It made me feel horrible. I can't do that to her anymore.

She deserved to have all her questions answered and I deserved to let the pain go. It wasn't healthy to hold on to, I couldn't keep it within any longer.

Bea let out a happy squeal from her car seat and began to excitedly tell me all the things that she wanted to tell Julie.

***

A couple of hours later, we had reached our destination. We had made a little pit stop on the way, to purchase some flowers.

The last time I came here, this place created an unbearable ache in my heart, as if there was something that was piercing through my chest repeatedly.

But not this time.

Bea held my hand, whilst I held the flowers and and we walked on the grass together, heading to Julie's resting place.

It didn't take too long, until I spotted the engraved stone, in front of which I once wept my heart out.

In loving memory of Julie Annabeth Hunter.

Beloved Daughter, Wife and Mother.

A true angel, with a heart of gold.

"Hi, Julie", I greeted her.

"Hi, mummy," Bea waved.

The first time that I visited her grave, everything just felt cold to me. I tried to speak to her, yet no words could come out. Instead, I just sat by the headstone in silence, not uttering a single sound.

It was probably selfish and not fair on my part, but I just couldn't bring myself to come back here. But the pain was too intense.

But today, I had to talk.

Bea and I took a seat in front of the headstone and I placed the flowers down in front of it. She never really had a favourite kind, she loved all of them.

"I'm sorry I haven't come to see you in a long time," I apologised first, since it seems the most appropriate.

This wasn't as hard as I thought it would be, but I did feel a little silly. I knew Julie wasn't going to respond to any of what I was going to tell her, but I could just picture her sitting in front of the grave, smiling at me. She'd be in her favourite white dress, her blonde hair just moving slightly in the breeze.

"She won't say anything, Daddy." Bea giggled.

I looked at her nodded. "I think she's still listening."

Of course, this what I just felt. If and when I wanted to talk, I assumed Julie would listen.

"Do you think mummy listens to everything? Even if I whisper?" Bea said the last words really lowly.