Suho finally broke the silence between him and Jisoo. What he's going to tell her is too heavy he wanted to make sure that she's seated and comfortable. Inaya niya si Jisoo umupo sa pinakamalapit na bench na nakita nila.
"I know I acted like a complete asshole by using other girls to pressure you into saying yes. It's too late but please know how much I feel sorry for it. How ashamed I was and still am for doing it to you. It breaks my heart to see and feel how much you hate me because there was a point in my life when I was willing to do everything to make you the happiest girl on Earth. But clearly, I failed you. I hope that despite the hatred, you at least felt a bit of my love for you. Sana kahit papaano ay naiparamdam at naramdaman mo yun." Alam ni Suho na wala na siyang pag-asa sa dalaga. Kahit siya, hindi niya makuhang ipagpatuloy yung panliligaw dahil sa kagaguhang ginawa niya.
"This will sound like an excuse for what I did, especially after expressing that it was entirely my fault but after hurting you... ayokong makitang may nakapaligid sa'yo na kaya at pwede ka ring saktan katulad ng ginawa ko. I want you to be rid of people like me that's why I've been bugging you this whole time. Do you remember how I don't like Jinyoung just because I sense something's off with him?"
Totoong sa una pa lang ay hindi na maganda ang pakiramdam ni Suho sa lalaking pinakamalapit na kaibigan ni Jisoo. Hindi niya ito pinagsasabihan na lumayo sa lalaki dahil wala siyang karapatan kasi hindi naman sila. Ang ginagawa niya lang para malayo si Jisoo kay Jinyoung ay kulitin ito ng kulitin sa panliligaw niya. Tuwing sinasabi ni Chi na magkikita sila, sasama at eepal si Suho kasi hindi talaga siya kampante. His suspicions came true when Jinyoung tried to manipulate him.
"I'm not asking you to believe me because it's your decision... he told me you like him and you two are one step away from dating each other. Na kaya mo ako hindi masagot-sagot ay dahil siya talaga ang gusto mo at natatakot ka lang na masira ang pagkakaibigan ninyo." Hindi maiwasan ni Suho na magmura kapag naaalala niya kung paano siya napaikot ni Jinyoung. Isisi man niya dito ang lahat, masyado parin siyang naging emosyonal at nagpauto ng ganun-ganun na lang. And that's probably what he regrets the most. Na hindi matibay yung tiwala niya kay Jisoo dahil ganun lang ito kabilis nagalaw ni Jinyoung.
"That time, I admit I was getting impatient. I'm confused because I can tell that our feelings were getting mutual but why was it still not enough for you to make it official? To make me your boyfriend? Pagkatapos naming mag-usap ni Jinyoung, parang nabuo yung puzzle sa utak ko. Puro ako kaya pala... kaya pala hindi mo parin ako sinasagot... kaya pala pinaghihintay mo ako sa wala... kaya pala kasi may namamagitan sa inyo ni Jinyoung." Parehong minumura ni Suho ang sarili niya at si Jinyoung sa utak niya. Tangina. Kung nalaman ko lang agad, sana hindi nawala sa'kin si Chi. Sana hindi ko nagawa ang mga pagkakamali ko.
Suho wanted to hug Jisoo when he saw her struggling to keep a straight face. Okay lang kung ayaw mong maniwala, basta makinig ka lang Chi.
"I was an emotional mess when I confronted you. Ilang linggo pabalik-balik sa utak ko yung sinabi ni Jinyoung. I tried to save my pride and talk to my friends na marami akong ibang babae na hindi lang ikaw but fuck! It was hard to pretend that I'm okay that's why I decided to talk to you but anger ruled me again." Hindi maipaliwanag ni Suho ang galit niya that time. It was making him crazy. He asked how can Jisoo do that to him? He felt used and betrayed.
"Tangina hindi ko makalimutan yung mukha mo hanggang ngayon. Kung paano ka hindi makapaniwala sa mga pinagsasabi ko. How the tears formed in your eyes when I talked about other girls who were willing to take me without hesitation. I was so fucked up I couldn't even think properly. Galit na galit ako kasi alaka ko ginamit mo lang ako bilang distraction. Na pinaglaruan mo lang ako at ang nararamdaman ko para sayo. Na kaya ka siguro pumayag na hayaan akong manligaw kasi naaawa ka lang sa'kin. My mind jumped right into conclusions that I did not even cared when you told me that I could stop if I want to."
Suho took deep breaths. He was having a hard time continuing. "Nilamon ako ng sobrang galit. Nang sinulat ko yung article, all I wanted was revenge. That even if I'm not in the same university anymore, what you did to me will haunt you for a long time. Again a stupid move knowing what you went through. Hindi ko naisip na lalaki ito. It spread so much that it reached my new school. By the way Chi, hindi ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit ako lumipat. I've been planning to transfer even before the semester started because I want to avoid my father. Bantay-sarado niya kasi lahat ng kilos ko dati."
Simula pa lang ay ayaw nang mag-aral ni Suho sa Clarity University. He's father is one of the Deans. May mata at tenga ang tatay niya sa buong campus. Kahit kung ilang beses siyang nagpaalam para mag CR sa isang subject, nalalaman nito. It suffocated him because all his life he's always told not to do this or that. Walang nagtatanong sa kanya kung anong gusto niya.
Hindi si Jisoo ang dahilan ng paglipat niya. It was purely coincidental. It wasn't his plan or intention to make every student in CU think that what happened between him and Jisoo was the reason why he transferred. Sarili niya lang ang iniisip niya noon. It wasn't until someone from his class told him last month about the rumor spreading around CU and the effect of his last published article. Na apparently, si Jisoo ang sinisisi ng lahat kung bakit siya lumipat. Hindi lang iyon ang nalaman ni Suho... he discovered more.
"Remember Bobby from Scenario University?" Suho could tell that Jisoo still knows him kahit hindi ito sumagot o tumango. "He's in one of my classes. Kinamusta ka niya sa'kin kasi akala niya tayo na. He courted you right? He even congratulated me but I told him we're not together. Nagulat ako nang tinanong niya kung umatras din ba ako dahil kay Jinyoung. Wala akong sinabi pero nagkwento siya sa nangyari sa kanya dati. Bigla nalang daw siya kinausap ni Jinyoung at sinabihan na wala siyang pag-asa sa'yo. What he said to Bobby was similar to what he told me. That you've liked him for a long time but you're just afraid to ruin your friendship. This is just my theory but I believe he's the reason why your suitors back out so quickly. Because behind your back, your best friend is chasing them away from you."
Mahirap alamin kung anong iniisip ni Jisoo dahil nakatingin lang siya kay Suho ng diretso, there was nothing in her eyes but they were turning red. Suho restricted himself from reaching out to hold her in place because she's shaking too much. Palalim narin ng palalim ang paghinga niya.
"I may still want you but I know I don't deserve you Chi because I'm an awful jerk. But as long as you know that Jinyoung doesn't deserve you too... you can hate all you want, I won't mind. I don't fucking mind because I can handle you hating me than seeing you end up with that fucking bastard."
Pinatay na ni Suho ang huling apoy ng pag-asa sa dibdib niya. It's time to let her go. I have to step back now. "There's nothing wrong with you Chi. You are perfect. You are worth it. I'm grateful that at some tiny point in your life, you had feelings for me too. I'm sorry for hurting you and for making a reason for people to hurt you."
I still love you Jisoo but this is where I lay everything down and accept my well-deserved defeat.
"Don't even lose your happiness Chi. I've been always your supporter..." Even if we've gone our separate ways. I feel proud that somehow, I showed you what love is-- the best way I know before I ruin it up. "It was a pleasure knowing someone as wonderful as you."
