sarah paulson one shots

trapped in the stars - harriet hayes

summary: you have a panic attack before going on stage, luckily harriets there for you.

warnings: panic attacks.

word count: 1448

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It really shouldn't have been such a big deal. Every Friday night you do the same routine over and over again. Going on the stage and doing a sketch was simple, it was apart of your life now. But this week has just been so hectic and so many things were going through your mind that you just started to get nervous, maybe overly nervous.

Suddenly you couldn't remember any of your lines. Every second that went by was just a second closer to having to go on the stage and try and make people laugh. "Three minute warning" A crew member said to you before disappearing backstage again. Your breath began to quicken and any noise that could be heard was just muffled. Your heart was beating so fast that it was like a train pounding down the tracks.

You closed your eyes tightly, hoping it would all go away. Hoping it was just a bad dream that you would wake up from. But it was only when you felt someone touch your back that you realized this wasn't a dream.

You glanced up to be met with Harriet standing there "Y/n?" She said although you couldn't quite hear her, you could read her lips.
Everyone stood around you and it only made you much more nervous having a crowd, circle around you. Luckily, Harriet noticed this almost instantly "Everyone give her space" she shooed them away and they listened like she was some kind of captain.

"Focus on my breathing okay? Copy it" She took deep breaths for you to imitate. It was hard but it sure did help. "I have" you were out of breath and that only made it harder for you to speak "i have to go on." She was patient as you tried to speak and you appreciated that. Other people you've came across gets annoyed or tells you to suck you up. "I can have Matt put another sketch on. You cant go on like this." You knew if you went on that stage, you would stand there frozen, looking like a deer in headlights but you also hating having to skip out on a show, it only happened once and that was when you were sick but the type of sick where you can't even get out of bed.

Harriet turned back to some of the crew members that stood by the wings of the stage "Can someone get us some water please" She asked, sounding annoyed that they haven't already done so. And if you were in a headspace where you could think about whatever you'd like, you would be wondering why she cared so much about you right now. "You're okay" She cooed, running her arm up and down your arm even though she wanted to pull you into a hug but didn't know how you would react or if you would like that in this state so she kept her distance, not wanting to push any boundaries.

Finally, a crew member arrived, handing Harriet the icy cold water and whispering in her ear that there was a minute left. "Tell Matt to put another sketch on" The crew member nodded, scurrying away and Harriet turned her attention back to you. "Drink this sweetheart" She said, guiding the bottle to your mouth like you were a baby.

By now, your fast breathing died down, thanks to Harriet. She always makes you feel safe no matter where you are or what's happen, as long as you're with her, you're okay. "I'm sorry" You said, sniffling and wiping away a few of your fallen tears "Don't be sorry. Let me take you to my dressing room so you can relax" She grabbed your hand and tried to start walking, it made you freeze for a moment. "But you have to go on" she turned back around to face you "Not yet. I have some time to spare" She continued to walk, guiding you to her dressing room and tightly holding your hand like if she let go, you would disappear into thin air.

"Take a seat" She said. Your eyes wondered around the room, you've been in it quite a lot actually, from being close friends with Harriet but usually only when you were quickly going in and out whether you were asking her a question or waiting for her to hurry up so you could both go to the wrap party together. Other than that, you never really took in the looks of it.

Right as you took a seat on the little couch she had, she sat right beside you. So close that your knees were touching. "Do you want to talk about it?" You looked down at your lap, not knowing if it was a good idea. The panic attack was just built up from all of the stress and work that's been happen throughout the week and it was more than usual. Part of the stress actually had to do with Harriet. You loved her, more than just a friend or a best friend, you love loved her, you wanted to kiss her and go on dates with her or spend your nights together, cuddling, but you knew she would never actually date you. She was this big actress that everyone loved and you were a mediocre actress that just goes on Studio 60 every night and doesn't have a new movie coming out every week like she does.

But having to go to work with her every day, and just being in the friend zone when really all you want to do when she walks by you is grab her and kiss her, it was hard, especially when she always has a thing going on about Matt. Matt this, Matt that.

And for some reason, this week was just worse, the feelings that you just tried and pushed aside were coming back to you and you couldn't help it. "Um just a stressful week" You said. You could feel her staring at you but your attention was still focused on your lap. "Are you okay?" she placed her hand on your knee and your heart skipped a beat "I'm okay i just..." You trailed off as your eyes began to fill up with tears and remembering how this night and week have gone, you couldn't help but let them pour out.

"Hey hey, it's okay" She cupped your face and wiped away your tears before pulling you into a hug that you never wanted to let go of. Harriet herself felt her heart shatter into a million pieces, seeing you like this. It made her realize that she had actually never seen you cry before and it made her wonder what could've happened that would make you cry. "It's okay i'm here" She whispered into your ear. Being in her embrace made you feel so warm, so safe and protected. Her familiar vanilla scent lingered to your noise, calming you down while her hand slowly rubbed your back.

But she eventually let go and the loss of her touch almost made you want to cry again. "Let me inside of your head, what's going on?" I sniffled, wiping away the last of my tears. "Harriet" you sighed "I love you" the words slipped out of your mouth and you regretted it instantly, watching the way she just sat there like a statue not moving a single muscle.

"That's why I was just so stressed this week because i love you out and i hate having to see you everyday without having you as mine and me as yours. You probably hate me now and i get it, i understand if you don't want to-" Your blabbering was cut short by a pair of soft lips on yours. You froze for a moment, not expecting it at all. But then you melted into the kiss, making it more loving and passionate.

The both of you only pulled away when the thought of oxygen occurred. "I love you too" She said, breathless from the kiss. Right then, she looked up at the clock "i have to go on stage now but i'll be back. Just stay here and relax" She walked towards the door and stopped right before she would be out of sight "and y/n" you hummed in response "skip the wrap party. Dinner at mine tonight" you watched a smirk appear on her face as she disappeared out of the room, leaving you alone with your thoughts. Now your life was just starting.