sarah paulson one shots

guide me back to the light - cordelia goode

request by moonlight_0255: Cordelia x reader where reader struggles with trauma from her dad and the reader has flashbacks but one day it's gets really bad while they are at the dinner table with everyone she gets stuck inside a flashback because Madison triggered something.

warning: abuse, panic attacks.

word count: 1160

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"...Because you're a worthless piece of shit. Look at you. Ruining dinner once again. After your mother cooks for us" another kick in your side was what you earned. "But I didn't do anything" you spoke up with envy. One rule you set for yourself is to never talk back. Even if you don't deserve to be spoken or treated to like that, it would only make if worse.

His face reddened. You tried to make yourself as small as possible. Protecting your head as you knew what his next move was.

He picked up his empty beer can and threw it right-

"Y/n?" You looked down and saw a pale hand on your knee. You were no longer in your old bedroom. Looking around, you had come to the realization that you've been sitting in your new -or not so new anymore- room with Cordelia.

"Honey" she sighed and sat beside you.

"Are you okay?" She knew you weren't. She knew what you were thinking about. She walked around in your head as if she was an astronaut on the moon. "I'm fine. I'm just tired."

She knew not to push you. To exceed your limits with questions after questions. She wasn't afraid of you, she was afraid of herself; that she would say something to set you off about said situation that would put you into total panic. She'd seen it happen before but she was always there with loving arms and gentle kisses.

You trailed behind Cordelia on your way to the dining room. It was rather abnormal for you as you were always right by her side, hand in hand. But today, you felt like your past was dragging you down and wearing you out. It was more than usually, to the point where you completely forgot about everyone and everything. Only focusing on him. Your father.

Cordelia always told you to not let such an unworthy man destroy your life and you yourself but sometimes, his words echoing in your head were louder than hers.

You took your seat beside Cordelia and she sat additionally close to you tonight. She wanted you to know that she was here with you and for you. Even around other people, it could get hard to feel like you were alone. Weren't alone with just you and your father prancing around in your head.

"Can I hold your hand? Is that okay?" She whispered to you. None of the girls knew about your past. You wanted to keep it that way. It took so long to even tell Cordelia about it.

You nodded "I would like that."

She brushed her thumb over the top of your hand, holding it ever so gently.

You tried talking to the girls to get your mind off everything. It worked because after all, they were your family, in a way. Life gave you a second chance to be in a family and you couldn't be more lucky.

"Why don't you ever talk about your parents? Are they like dead or something" Madison asked you. The room continued to chatter but to you, everything had stopped. "No" you said, trying to sound as confident as you could but failing under the pressure of her gaze.

"No what? Oh my god, did they abuse you or something?" By now, this had gained Cordelia's attention. She glared at the blonde and gave her that look that most people shut up when they see.

But nothing Cordelia said or did ever fazed Madison.

"It would explain that scar on your face."

You tried to scoot away into a corner, making yourself as small as possible. You winced as strong hands grabbed your arms, pulling them away from your face.

"You're worthless" he smacked you once "you should do your mother and I a favor and die. But you won't because you're too selfish" and he punched you. And kicked you. And threw things at.

You felt your eyes drooping shut from all the damage done to your head. That was definitely one of his worst tantrums that he'd taken out on you.

Your pulse quickened and your throat had felt like it was closing up. You weren't back home. Or could you have called it your home.

"Girls, out the room! Finish your dinner elsewhere" Cordelia's frantic voice was no match for your ears that had blocked out everything except for your fathers screaming. He wasn't here but you could still hear him.

He was so violent. And you hated that you have his blood in you. That you are related to such a monstrosity of evil.

"Honey, it's okay" she placed a hand on your back but you jumped so she immediately retracted it. He made her gentle hand feel so harsh on your skin. Yet she was never harsh with you.

You could feel the fear radiating off of her. The only way for you to go back to a much less concern rate was for her to be there with reassuring words and open arms. But right now, it didn't seem like you wanted anyone -even Cordelia, your source of comfort- to hold you.

"Shhh, it's me. It's me. You're with me, you're safe." You just wanted to feel her touch. To know that it really was Cordelia and to calm yourself down. You just didn't know how to let her know that. So, you grabbed her hand -still heavily breathing- and placed it on your cheek.

She smiled at you. "That's it, baby. It's me" she said, moving her other hand to caress your back.

You wanted more of her so you tried to scoot yourself on her lap. Being so exhausted, she helped you the rest of the way. You nuzzled your head deep into Cordelia's neck, looking for an escape from this world. An escape that was just you and Cordelia, where there is nobody else to hurt you, to hurt either of you.

"Delia, i'm so tired" you whined. You could feel her heart split in two with just those words. "I know, sweetheart, I know" she rubbed her fingers tenderly and gently on your scalp, something that she knew always soothes you.

"But i'll never let him or anyone for that matter, hurt you again. I'll always be here to protect you, baby."

"I know, Delia." And you did know. In fact, you always knew deep down, when you're in those flashbacks that it's always Cordelia on the other end. It was just a matter of your brain letting you process that.

But at the end of the day, you are always safe and in Cordelia's arms.