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TRACK 15 - PART 1

With (NO) love, Tyler-Jane Roberts

I have always hated going to sleep.

Sleep is supposed to be a time where you let your body and mind rest. However, that means you have to relax your thoughts as well. I was quite shit at doing that. It was probably why I always needed help falling asleep. Whether help came in the form of a not-so-legal substance or a long fuck. Although, no guy was really good enough at the latter to tire me out enough to sleep. Any guy who tried to say otherwise was only twice as disappointing.

I hated going to sleep. But what I hated more was sharing a bed with someone else. It was unsettling and uncomfortable, and quite frankly, sometimes too warm. I liked being alone. And that was a fact whether it was in or out of bed.

Yet, as I noticed the vacancy on the other side of the bed, I felt a sense of emptiness surrounding me.

I hated sleeping – but I could sleep in this bed. I hated sleeping next to someone – but I missed him when he wasn't around.

Eyes glancing towards the clock, I let a frustrated sigh escape. 7:10 AM.

Carter hadn't been in bed for at least an hour. I wondered if he had slept here at all. He was there when I fell asleep. But, maybe he left and slept somewhere else for the night. I couldn't blame him if that's what he had done. I'm sure I would have done the same.

I tapped my fingers against the comforter, wondering how much longer I could avoid getting up. There was an awkward, possibly painful conversation that awaited. I struggled to make normal conversation. How the fuck was I supposed to explain myself for last night, without making everything worse? Maybe I could just sneak out, run out the front door without having to talk to him. A cowardly move it would be. However, the more I thought about it, the more it became the only reasonable option in my head.

Before I could talk myself out of my not-so-fool-proof-plan, I quickly tossed the bedsheets off my body and forced myself to stand. With heavy steps, I made my way towards the bathroom. As soon as my feet touched the cold marbled floor, I was instantly flooded with the memory of last night. I forced my eyes forward, not wanting to even glance at the shower.

Because looking at the shower would mean remembering last night. And recalling my breakdown I had on the floor. More specifically, how Carter sat with me in his clothes until I stopped-

Way to think about it without even looking over. Good job, dumbass.

Hands gripping the edge of the sink, I did my best to forget about the pressing thought and taunting voice in my head. As I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I was taken aback by what I saw. My eyes were puffy, my skin appeared drained of any colour, and my cheeks were hollow. I couldn't say I ever looked great waking up after a long night. Right now, I looked worse. I looked like shit.

I ran the tap, letting the water pool in my hands before splashing my face. I hoped that would do the trick. When I caught sight of myself in the mirror, my hope was instantly crushed. I still looked like shit. Damn those stupid face-wash commercials; a splash of water didn't fix everything like they made it seem. Once I had dried off, I glanced around the bathroom, surprised to see that my pile of clothes was no longer on the floor. Shit. Walking back to the bedroom, I madly look around, disappointment set in once I saw nothing but a spotless space and no clothes.

Those jeans cost me a whole fifty bucks! There was no way I could leave without them. Fuck. The realization that I now had to talk to him was beginning to set in.

Okay, TJ, calm down. New plan. Make awkward small talk, get my clothes, and get the fuck out. And don't fall for the charm of his stupid smile.