I don't know who I'll be in the future, but I hope I'm no longer this. I want to be more than just this stupid sensitive idiot who gets too attached. I want to grow up to not want to kill myself 5 times a week. I want to grow up and grow out of this spot that I'm in. I want to not have the panic attacks. I want to actually sleep. I want a relationship that lasts. I want to not have my heartbroken. I want it. I want to hang out with my friends. I want to go to school with a real smile on my face. I want to be the guy that everyone thinks I am. I want a real smile. I want to not have to fake everything. I want to have true happiness, if that even exists.
But at this point I'm doubtful that those things even actually exist. I look around and all I see is the terrible, horrible thing that is my life. I'm not a good friend. I fuck everything up. I want to cut all the time. I want to kill myself. And I try to stop it but its so hard. I cry myself into a panic attack most nights. And I want to talk to someone about all the feelings that I have, but ill be looked at as crazy. They will just think of me as insane or that I'm just saying all this for attention. So I hold it in. I keep it all to myself and let if consume me like a forest fire. I can't escape this. This is my life.
