No one will understand how attractive that blade looks right now. I have a knife within arms reach. It'd be so easy. I just want to give in. I want to lose. I don't want victory. I don't want to carry on. I want to pick up the knife and let it be done. I want my wrists to drip with blood. I want to end everything. I never want to open my eyes again because every time I do I seem to screw something up. Every time I get out of bed I do something wrong. I ruined a friendship and I don't even know how. Now the girl that said she'd never leave has left me and is turning people against me. I want to shoot myself in the head. I want to tie the rope. I want to jump out my window and land on my fence so it will break my spine. I want to go lay in the snow naked so I can freeze to death. I don't want to be here. I want to run away. I want to take my bag with some clothes, a notebook with a pen, and my music, and I want to run away. Just pack up and leave. I mean why not? No one would miss me. Everyone is leaving me anyways. And it's not like I meant much to anyone anyways. If I meant something to them they would've not left me. They would still be there for me. They would not be believing what she is telling them.
But then again, running away isn't enough. They'd find me. They'd find me and bring me back and I'd have to go through hell again. I just want to close my eyes forever. I feel like I don't belong anywhere except six feet under. I feel alone. I have no on anymore. I'm alone with my thoughts and they're killing me. They want me dead. They want me to stop typing and grab the knife. They want me to never open my eyes again. They want me dead and so do I. It wouldn't matter if I left. No one cares about me but two people so why does it matter. And even those two would forget me quickly. I wouldn't be missed. They'd miss me for one day then just forget I even existed. They would act like they truly did love me then just move on. No one cares except God. And I'm ready to go see him. That's where I belong. I belong with him in heaven. I don't belong anywhere but there. I'm a screw up who ruins everything. I don't deserve life. I look at the rope and I see an escape. I see it as a portal to a new world in which I'm happy and I won't be sad about anything. I see it as a new beginning. I see it as my new day. If I did it. If I took that one step. Dropped that second foot. I'd be free. Free from all the pain that is in this world and I'd be happy. And so would all of them. This is what life is like through my eyes. This is what I see.
