I feel it all over. The sense that I am not worth anything to anyone. That I'm just a burden. I feel like all I do is make people mad. If I make one person happy I make a different person upset. I can't win. I feel like it doesn't even matter anymore. I feel like I could just pick up the blade on my night stand and cut and nobody would care to notice. Because no one does anyways. No one cares. No one asks me how I'm actually feeling. Because I don't matter. I'm a speck compared to this world. There are a lot of things to use your time and energy for. I shouldn't be one of them. I don't matter. I know it's true. Don't bother telling me otherwise. Don't bother saying anything. I'll never un-feel this. I can't just be told "you're worth everything," and automatically believe it. That's not how it works. Death comes to mind at this point. I see it. My escape. A way out. A way where I won't feel anything anymore. I won't need to cut. Or scratch. Or bruise. Or burn. Or anything else that I've tried. None of it helps anyways.
I've only ever found one thing that helps, but it also scares me to death. I want her. But I don't. I want her because I'm in love with her. I think. I mean I don't know what love is, but I really hope this is it. But that is exactly why I don't want it. I don't want her because then I'll get attached and then when she leaves, like they all do, I'll be right back where I started. But who am I kidding. I'm still where I started. I'm a truck stuck in a ditch. I can't get out of this. I'm eternally stuck in this pain. This suffering. But she is always there. And it tempts me so much. I want her so bad. But I don't want her nor do I deserve her. I'm worthless. She deserves better. She needs to leave me. Now. She needs to get out while she still can. I'm not worth it. I'll hurt her like I always hurt people. Only next time. It will be my last.
