My nemesis // Phil Foden// Femreader

Chapter fourteen- rough night...

TW SELF-HARM WILL BE MENTIONED IN THIS CHAPRTER SO PLEASE SKIP IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ IT- ALL THAT HAPPENS IN THIS CHAPTER IS Y/N BEING SAD AND THEN GOING TO SLEEP PRETTY MUCH.

I walked to the car and drove home. I turned the music up as loud as it would go and just sang my heart out, I couldn't be bothered feeling. My whole life was full of people disrespecting and undermining me. Controlling me. thinking they could do whatever they pleased with me. Full of me chaing all of my plans and quitting all of my dreams just so that other people could be happy. I was getting pretty bored of people just toying with my emotions. 

I got into the house. It was the sound of silence. For the past few days it had been the noise of Jonah or I would have gone home with Phil. A few times it might have also been me and Bea going back to mine. But today, nothing. Not one voice. Not one phone going off. No breathing. Just me. Loneliness, it might have been the biggest killer in the world. It certainly was the most apparent emotion. 

I went into the living room and fell onto the sofa in attempt to forget about how shitty my life had been these past weeks. I turned on youtube and saw a load of videos of Phil and the boys during training. That didn't help the situation. It just made me realise how nobody wanted me. Sure, they wanted me for my body and for a little entertainment when they needed it, but they never actually wanted me. They didn't want to see me everyday and they didn't want to hug me every night. They didn't want the world to know that I was apart of their lives. I was an embarassment and an inconvenience to everybody around me. 

Just as my eyes let a tear fall, I got a message. I opened it and it was Phil. I think that deep down, I had a little hope that he was going to tell me that he wanted me for the rest of his life. Instead it was this:

PHIL: Princess I'm bored, are you going to be a good girl and come give daddy what he wants, or am I going to have to choke you. 

Y/N: Not tonight.

PHIL: Oh come on princess, you know I would never tell anybody, fwb remember? Now come and let me fuck you. Stop playing hard to get, I like it when you are easy.

Y/N: Maybe another day.

I put my phone down and balled my eyes out. Why did he only want me for sex. Why did he call me easy, did he mean what he said to the boys the other day, was I a slut to him? Nobody was there for me, I was lonely, I was useless. Why did I always try so hatrd to make everybody happy, I never recieved anything back ever. For years I had been let down and told I was a dissapointment. I had been raped multiple times, kicked out of my own home, been told that I was helpless, and now this; now I was being used. I walked over to the kitchen still crying my eyes out. I just wanted my mum and my little brother, I just wanted my family back. I pulled a small blade out of the drawer and did what I knew would usually stop the pain. I made three cuts on my wrist and then did the same on my thigh. I had done it before and every time, it seemed to help. It made me stop crying and calm down. It just made me stop feeling for a few hours. I went and layed in bed. After laying emotionless for a while, I began crying myself to sleep. The next morning I woke up with yesterdays clothes on, puffy eyes and mascara down my face.