My nemesis // Phil Foden// Femreader

Chapter 20- for them...

TW- LOADS OF MENTION OF SELF-HARM AND SU1C1DE IN THIS CHAPTER SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER- y/n decides that she will stay alive for her mum and brother. She cleans her house up and tries to get her life together. She calls a suicude line in hopes of them helping her to carry on. She messages her friends from her hometown. 

I was laying on the bathroom floor. I didn't know what to do next. Should I just end it all now? It would be so much easier to end it all right now. I wasn't going to get anything that I wanted, Phil was gone forever and none of the boys at the stadium liked me, I was a joke to so many people and I only had one friend who is always busy. I haven't spoken to my friends back home in a while. I suppose that they want nothing to do with me now. 

I remembered this morning, reading mum's letter. 'Live for me' she wanted me to live the life that she never had. Plus, baby bear would miss me, who would he have once dad and val were gone? I needed to be here for him. I wanted to show my mum that i could do what she wanted me to do. And I wanted to show the world that you can't kill me. That I can live through some of the worst things. I got up off of the floor, don't get me wrong, I was still broken and felt dead inside, but overtime, I hoped that that would change and I would be able to live my life happily. The first step was te get rid of the blades. No more selh-harm, I wanted to feel pretty. I didn't want to have to cover up my arms and legs all of the time, I wanted to be free. I didn't care who saw that I self-harmed anymore, I wanted to show the world how badly it had hurt me and how hard I came back from it and stood up. I wanted to show the world that despite all of its tearing me down, I still live and I always will. 

Blood was all over me and I let it dry on my body whilst I cleaned up my mess. I picked up the blades and walked downstairs with them. I opened the front door and walked out to the bin. I opened the bin and took a second. It wasn't hesitation, it was more me thanking them. It seems weird, why would I thank them if they helped me to self-harm? Well, they also stopped me from feeling all of the hurt that the world pushed onto me for a little. It only felt right that I thanked them for being there for me when nobody else was. I dropped them into the bin and then closed the lid. I was so proud of myself for beating the urge to keep them. Walking back inside, I knew that I could actually beat this, I knew that if I tried my hardest, I could live my life normaly. 

Next I had to clean up the bathroom and make sure that all of the blood stains were removed from the tiles. I picked up some bleach from the kitchen cupboard and a few cloths along with a lot of paper towels. I layed paper towels all along the floor to try and get them to soak up most of the blood that was sat on the floor. I had to lay another layer of paper towels along the floor and by then, there was a small enough amount of blood to clean the rest with a mop. I mopped the floor and then got the bleach and spread it along the tiles. I let it sit for five minutes and then used the mop again to mop up the bleach and blood stains. There was a few small stains left on the floor but I decided that tomorrow I would just ring somebody to come and clean it for me. 

I walked back downstairs and began cooking myself some food to eat. I chose some chicken noodle soup as it had always been one of my faves and it was always so comforting. I put a small portion in my bowl as I had made too much soup. I could give the rest to Bea as a sorry for me not hanging out with her yesterday. I sat at the table and looked at the soup before picking the soup up on the spoon. My hand was shaking and barely any of the soup was staying on the spoon. I put the spoon down in the bowl and took a deep breath before picking the spoon back up. I put a small bit of soup in the spoon and brought it up to my mouth. I opened my mouth to put the soup in but, my hand wouldn't move to my mouth. I put the spoon back down inthe bowl and took a second.

"Come on y/n, you need to eat and then you will feel better. You need to eat and then you won't look so gross and boney. Okay." I took one more deep breath and picked up some soup in the spoon. I put the soup in my mouth and swallowed it. It was as lovely as I had remembered it being. It was my mother's recipe and she would always give it to me as a kid. I kept taking small bites of the soup and the noodles until I couldn't do it anymore. "I think I'm going to be sick." I ran to the bathroom and bent over the toilet seat whilst being sat down. To my suprise, I wasn't actually sick. I just felt quite ill. I put the rest of the soup from my bowl down the drain and then all the rest from the pan into a box to give to Bea tomorrow. 

I was still in my clothes from earlier and they were covered in blood. I walked up to my bedroom to get into the shower and clean myself up. I wanted an early night and to feel clean. I stripped down and walked into the bathroom. I took my hair out and turned on the water. I made sure the temperature was good and stepped under the water. I felt the sting of the water as it ran down my arms and legs. It felt good, it was releiving. But that didn't mean that I wanted to do it more, it just meant that I liked the way it felt, the sting reminded me of what it was like to feel something physically instead of just emotionally like usual. I wiped down my cuts with a tiny bit of soap and then washed my hair. I got out of the shower and wrapped a towel around me before walking to my wardrobe and picking out some pyjamas for bed. 

Yes I wore a onesie and some fluffy socks, I needed some comforting stuff today and these pyjamas made me feel so comfy and safe so I put them on. I went downstairs and made myself a hot water bottle and a hot chocolate. I put on my favourite trilogy 'To all the boys', they are my comfort movies so I have always watched them whenever I feel down. The hot chocolate took me a while to drink as I knew it was really unhealthy and the whole eating disorder didn't really like that. I still drank the whole thing and took it downstairs before coming back up. My hair was still damp before I went to bed so I decided to do two french braids in it and then I tried to go to sleep. It was 9pm so quite an early night for me but I needed it, I was exhausted after today. I was so proud of myself though for everything that I had done so I didn't care about the things that didn't go exactly to plan today. I fell asleep around half past nine and had the best sleep that I had had for days. 

Whilst falling asleep I remembered myself thinking why I was still alive. It was because I wanted to stay alive for them. I would do anything for them. I would kill for them. I would live for them. I would die for them. Everything I did was for them. And everything that I will do will always be for them.

I loved them.