My nemesis // Phil Foden// Femreader

Chapter 19- can't help myself...

He sat me down on the kitchen counter and got out the first aid kit.

"Do you actually know what you are doing or are you going to mess my knee up even more?"

"No, I know what I am doing, I'm a footballer, always get hurt yk."

"Mmm right."

He sat and cleaned and bandaged my leg whilst getting me out some pain killers. I sat and didn't say a word, after earlier and yesterday, I wouldn't even know where to start. He picked me up and sat me on the sofa and then sat near me, but not too close. I could tell that he was angry still, I had to try and fix this before it became awkward forever.

"Okay, I know that I already told you how I feel and all that earlier but, you deserve an explenation for yesterday and today. So, pretty much I like you and because of what has happened to me in the past with guys and all of that, I don't really want to get another boyfriend just in case. I know that this isn't an exscuse but, everybody who I end up loving is taken away from me or ends up pushing me away, so I thought that if I keep you as a friend then I wouldn't get hurt. I realised the day before yesterday that I really like you as way more than a friend and want us to be more than friends, but I didn't know how I was supposed to tell you. Then yesterday, after we had eaten, I wanted to tell you so badly how I felt about you and then you called us friends and it just made me feel like you didn't want the same as what I wanted. I was mad at you, which I had no right to be but I wanted to show you what a friendship was. I know that it was a bitchy move, I just hoped that if you saw me treating you as a friend then you would want more than friends. It was really really stupid fucking logic and I get that now but at the time I thought it was what would be best. I gave up on it because that was easier than trying, until today when I got the letter and I knew that I had to give it a go. I know that I am such a bitch and what I have done is so unfair and you don't deserve any of it. I'm really sorry that I treated you like shit when you always treat me so well." I swallowed and looked at him as he just stared back. I couldn't tell if he was mad or sad or happy, he was just staring with no emotion.

"Last night I helped you, I wasted my night to make sure you were okay. The other night, I helped you and again wasted my night, I cleaned gallons of your blood off of the floor and kept your secret and then you spat it all back in my face because of some little fucking crush. I know that you had issues in the past but you should have trusted me and spoke to me. It shows you don't trust me because otherwise you wouldn't think of me as the same as everyone who let you down in the past."

"I know, I'm sorry."

"I don't even know how to feel about you right now. Yeah, I did like you before but I don't even know now. Just give me some space." And with that, he walked out of my house and I was still sat on the sofa, bandaged up knee and broken heart. I had to just do something that would distract me for the time being. I remembered that I had dropped my keys somwhere and still needed to find them, I grabbed my car and drove it to put some petrol in. I drove around the places that I remembered running through. I got out of the car near an alleyway that I remembered running through. I put my hair up in a bun, nobody could yank my hair then. I put my phone flash on and walked down the alleyway. I found my keys and picked them up before walking back to my car.

I got back home and pulled a bottle of tequila out of the shelf. I took a few mouthfulls and then walked upstairs with the tequila in my hand. I kept drinking it and drinking it, I just wanted to drink enough to pass out for a while, that way I wouldn't have to remember today whilst trying to go to sleep.

I woke up to a really loud alarm going off.

"Fucks sake man, why did I drink so much?" I saw the empty bottle of tequila on the floor from last night whilst my head was booming inside of itself. Then I remembered everything that happened last night as if it had just happened one minute ago, "Oh, of course I spoke to him about my fucking emotions towards him." I was mocking myself slightly, I was so pissed at myself for being such an emotional wreck. "I just can't help myself can I? I need to get ready for today." I stood up out of bed and walked to my wardrobe to get changed into something. It was quite hot out but I still had to wear long sleeves so that nobody could see how fresh my scars were. In a few weeks, they would fade a little and then I would be able to show my arms and I could just say that I did it when I was 16 or something. For now, I had to cover up my arms and upper thighs as much as possible. I chose an outfit to wear that would cover my arms and bashed up knee: