𝚃𝙷𝙴 𝙿𝙴𝚁𝙺𝚂 𝙾𝙵 𝙻𝙸𝚅𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙸𝙽 𝚈𝙾𝚄𝚁 𝙰𝚂𝚂 ☘ 𝚈𝙾𝙾𝙽𝙶𝙸 √

𝚕𝚎𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚡𝚟𝚒𝚒

You might be thinking I will start this letter by telling you how Mae left me the next morning.

I guess I will start with something else today.

Love, we all have a different meaning of this stupid word.

Yesterday, I saw Mae reading my favorite book, she was reading the book as she was searching for answers. Maybe a broken part of me.
twisted me :)

I heard her humming to my favorite song in the morning.

I don't know what to think or what to say, but for me, that is love.

I always thought that in a relationship, one loves the other one a little more and I guessed I loved Mae a little more than she could ever love me.

But I guess, I was wrong.

We all love each other equally, it's just that we love differently.

Mae loves me in a way that nobody has ever loved me. She cares for me, she scolds me, she holds me at my worst, and if that's not love, I don't know what is.

I was so into myself that I love her but I guess it wasn't enough. Because I shouted at her about how she didn't tell me about her abortion or why didn't she let me take care of her but now that I know, am I taking care of her?

I'm sure, you know the answer.

Loving someone is difficult. So, the first step in loving someone is letting them go.

That's exactly what I'm gonna do.

It's time to let her go.

I'm a big fan of novels. So, when a male protagonist has to leave someone they love, they fuck around. That's exactly, what I'm doing. I've been hoeing around lately.

If you noticed it's been 4 days that I have not written anything. I just feel empty from inside and don't know what to say. I used to write at night but I'm not usually home at that time.

I know, what I'm doing is not the best option but that's the only option I have now, at least I want it to be.

I have been distancing myself from everyone. Rae, Jimin, Hoseok, and everyone. I don't talk much nor do I eat with them.

I don't want to face them.

About Mae, I have no idea how is she doing. I just made a few eye contacts here and there but I didn't show any emotion.

And they all know I'm hoeing around but they can't stop me.

Because we are all the same.

We all run from our problems so I ain't any different from them.

Today, Rae came to my room and scolded me. She told me how much I'm hurting myself in this process. She said and I quote,

'If there would be any other time you were hoeing around, I would have really appreciated it but this isn't what you wanted. I am not saying this because I'm her best friend. I'm saying this because you both think you are toxic to each other when you are not. And if you don't end up together, I don't think love even exists in the world.'

And then she went away. I just shook my head and tried not letting Rae mess my head up because now I have decided to leave Mae.

Whom are we kidding, we aren't even in a relationship.

Yesterday evening, we were discussing about the new year's party. We planned to stay at home and enjoy, the nine of us on new year's eve. Later, the weekend, we will throw a party at the penthouse.

We all agreed, some of them left the room, some of them went to make dinner. While I, Rae, Mae, and Namjoon were the only people left in the room.

I was going to head back to my room but Namjoon called Rae and asked her to stay at home on New year's eve. He was afraid that she might sneak out to the college party.

Mae chuckled and said, "I guess you should say that to Yoongi, he is the one ditching us and fucking around not Rae.'

I just looked at her and smiled and went back to the room. You might be thinking why didn't I fight back. I had ninety-nine things to say to her but I guess fighting with her wasn't one of them.

So, I stayed silent.

I heard from Rae, about how Mae is skipping her meals again and Mae isn't listening to anyone.

Sometimes, we love someone so much that we aren't in control of our actions. So, I stood in front of her room later at night.

I knocked and went inside and I didn't let her speak first.

"I want to say something and then I'll go."

She just nodded.

"I love you and I have always loved you. I don't want to pretend that I don't because I'm crazily into you and I know you don't wanna be in a relationship, so I'll move on. I just wanna say this. And I hope you don't skip your meals much, Rae is really worried about your health."

I went away after saying that, not giving her a chance to speak.

But I guess I heard her say, "you aren't worried about me anymore" or something, or maybe I'm just hallucinating.

I loved you long before you loved me. That's the only thing I can beat you at.

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