I did it. Again. I cut myself. Self-harm. But the ringing in my ears didn't stop. It just got louder. I didn't know what to do. The cutting always helped. Even for just a while. My headache had at least faded. But this bloody annoying ringing!
I was once again in my bed trying to sleep, but I couldn't. No matter how much I wanted or tried. I couldn't ignore the now louder howl.
Anxiety came when I couldn't sleep ,the howl got even louder and I started to feel restless.
I sat up in my bed and opened my computer fast. I've cut myself again. Shit. This anxiety wasn't usually this big. I needed to do something about this. I typed 'Self-harm' in the search felt on my laptop and clicked at the first option.
Reasons why you hurt yourself :
*You may feel low and depressed and the pain you feel when you hurt yourself is easier to handle than the pain and anxiety you feel in your soul. True.
*You may have been violated in a rough way, raped or/and exposed for domestic abuse. Part of it is true, I mean Harry kind of abused me.
* By cutting yourself you 'solve' your problems for a while. And you drowns bad feelings and thoughts. Yep.
* You get a feeling of control. True.
* You punishes yourself or somebody else. Well not really.
* You want attention from your environment. Hell no! I didn't want anyone to know.
* You may have a feeling that you're bad and disgusting. Yeeeah...
* You feel betrayed and scared and cut to get away from it. Yes.
6/8 of them sued. That couldn't be good. Not good at all. And could somebody please stop that howl!?
Just when you just hurt yourself, it is common to feel relief but in the long term you get more enhanced feelings of sadness, hopelessness, shame and worthlessness. You do not grow as a person, but ends up in a dead end. The behavior in the short term anyway can satisfy so many important needs can make it difficult to stop.
This just shows that I was actually depressed. One of five from One Direction was depressed! Should I tell anybody? Or could I deal with it myself?
I quickly opened a new side and typed 'How to help yourself when you're depressed and use self-harm'. I opened one of the options.
How to help yourself from self-harming:
*Think through the times when you wanted to hurt yourself but resisted. Don't think that ever happened since I started.
* Go out and do something with a friend if you get an impulse to self-harm . Ehm, no thanks.
*Try to concentrate on some other feeling or distract yourself with music or sports. Could give it a try.
*If you're particularly vulnerable because you're hungry or tired, try then to take care of yourself with example food or rest. Maybe.
*Try to do the opposite of what self-hatred and shame are saying and take care of you in a friendly and long-term good way. Although this may seem very anxiety provoking when you feel bad, it's one of the best ways to reduce the self-hatred and impulses to hurt and punish yourself. Easier said than done.
* Reduce the demands on yourself. Not so easy when you were in one of the worlds hottest boy bands right now.
*Verify for yourself that what you feel is okay to feel even though it is painful. Think that you'll have the feeling until it disappears and that you will not hurt yourself to get it away. That sounds freaking impossible!
I closed my laptop with a sigh. This sucked and that fucking ringing hasn't faded yet!
Can I just die here and now, please?
