I didn't just shower after the tea-incident, I cut. I didn't know what to do and now the bloody ringing is so freaking load! It sucks and I'm still crying.
I feel like such a baby when I cry, normally I don't do it much it's just right now I don't feel like acting strong so I'm just letting it all go. I sighed and dried my red cheeks. My eyes were itchy and tears kept streaming.
Why do I even keep up anymore? It's not worth it. This life is not worth it. I am not worth it. I should just kill myself so everyone else could be happy.
And now the howl changed tune to an even loader and more high-pitched sound and I felt like screaming.
I wondered if it was dangerous to have tinnitus and not doing something about it. It probably was... I should get help, I knew that but I didn't see how. It just didn't work at the moment Nothing worked and that was a big problem. I couldn't see the happy things in life anymore and I didn't know if it was worth living. But I mean, it couldn't rain forever. Right? Someday I would become happy again and have my perfect, happy ending like everybody else. 'Cause what had I done so wrong to deserve this?
I believed in karma, everything you do would come around. But when did I do something awful to get this thrown at me?
I hadn't notice but the tears had stopped by now and I felt cold. Not cold like 'I need a blanket'-cold, but this cold feeling you can have in your body that makes it feel like your blood is freezing. I felt cold right into my bone marrow.
It was a good thing I already was in my bed 'cause otherwise I would have fallen to the floor, was the last thing I could think before I fainted.
***
I opened my eyes and felt a strong headache and my stomach hurt. I ran to the bathroom and just manage to get to the toilet before I vomited. It felt like my whole stomach fell out through my mouth and when I looked down in the toilet I understood why. With all food I've eaten yesterday- which by the way wasn't much- there was some red liquid. I didn't have to think twice to understand what it was.
It was my blood. I vomited blood. That can just mean bad stuff. I sat by the toilet for a while longer before I decided that it was alright to go back to bed. I sighed and felt more than heard the ringing grow in my head.
I felt sick and everything was spinning. I sat down on my bed with my head in my palms and arm bows on my knees. My head hurt and the ringing was loud.
I closed my eyes, trying to ignore it and pictured me happy with the lads. Like on the recording for 'What makes you beautiful', every one of us had been so happy and excited. We had just joked around and be for we knew it, we were finished.
I miss those times when all that mattered was having fun and just being yourself and enjoying it.
Everything just turned in a click, I never really saw it coming. Harry and I had always been so close and happy with each other, I never thought it would end. I thought it would be he and me forever. Us against the world... I was so naive to think like that.
I felt my chest tighten and my breath get stuck. I gasped trying to catch it and my lungs burned when I finally got my breath back.
I bit my lip hard trying to get rid of the feeling in my heart. I felt trapped. Nowhere to go and nowhere to stay.
Music, that was one of the advices I read to get rid off feelings. I picked up my Ipod and started the first song on my playlist.
I hummed with the melody and laid down on my bed with my eyes closed.
I quietly sang with the playing song, more singing on the inside than I was on the outside. "It's like you're pouring salt on my cuts. Baby I just ran out of band aids, I don't even know where to start 'cause you can bandage the damage. You never really can fix a heart." I closed my eyes and for the first time in a long time, I fell asleep without any problem.
Music was always the best way out.
