We sat in the car on our way home after rehearsing to the Take me home tour that would start in a week. I was tired and the other boys talked loudly to each other. The ringing was loud in my ears and I had my focus on the radio that was silently playing in the background. I sighed and rested my head on the window and closed my eyes.
"So has Louis gotten any better?" Liam asked the rest of the boys after a few minutes. I kept my eyes shut. They probably thought I was asleep.
"Um, he hasn't gotten worse.. I don't think so at least and well he is still not eating in the mornings but he drinks a cuppa almost every morning." Harry answered. Did they usually talk about me behind my back? Even if it just was about my health? Maybe they talked about other stuff too. Maybe they talked about how bad I was when I wasn't anywhere to be seen by them. Maybe they all hated me. The ringing changed tune to the high-pitched one and I bit my lip hard to think about something else.
I really needed to cut. I had to. It was just something inside me telling me to do it. But I couldn't right now and that only made me anxiety. And the anxiety was the hardest feeling to handle. My stomach hurt and I had to fight to keep down the little lunch I had eaten.
"Yeah, but we all saw the food he ate to lunch. It's not enough to make someone in his age and size satisfied. He has to be hungry." Niall said and I felt bad for them. They were my so called friends, I couldn't even count as a friend of theirs anymore. Who wants a friend who doesn't eat and makes you worried. And Niall was right I should be hungry, but I wasn't. I just felt sick, especially in a moving car. But we shouldn't be far from home now.
My eating the latest week has been awful. Almost everything I got down was small portions and most of them came up after a while. I was losing weight and I was more tired than ever. It wasn't like I wanted to lose weight, it just happened. Not my fault really, I couldn't stop it.
"We should get him to a Doctor, he can't keep up like this on the tour." Zayn said and I felt panic rise inside me. I couldn't go to a doctor. That was not a possibility! I had to get better on my own. I had to fix myself. I didn't need anybody else's help. I was a grown up man and I could handle a little depression and tinnitus! I could handle this by myself. I had to.
"I don't think he would agree. Like, we know Louis. He's not the one to complain and he doesn't want a doctor to take care of him." Harry said and I've never been more thankful. My stomach burned and I tried to ignore it. The howl grew and a headache formed once again.
"True, but we can't have him like this." oh great here it comes 'Louis' not in form to fit in a famous boy band and he is certainly not good enough to be either. We should just go without him.' but instead Liam kept talking "We have to help him. Harry you're his closest friend and we have seen that you guys has some kind of distance between you, but I think he needs you and I know that you need him. I know it's hard to see your friends down but he won't get better if we don't show him that we're here for him."
"I know Liam, but I don't think Louis would be grateful if I was the one who tried to help him. We haven't been on our greatest terms for a while..."
"But then you have to change that! You two love each other and we can see that this is hurting the both of you. I don't know what happened but I know that you love each other, not which type of love, but you just do. And it's alright with me and the rest of the lads if you have deeper feelings for each other. I know that whatever you're feeling towards Louis he feels to you." he knew! He knew I loved Harry and ...Harry loved me? But which type of love? None right now. He couldn't. Not after all this.
"Are you accusing me for being gay?" Harry snapped and I felt my heart break. He said it with so much disgust. The howl changed tune to an even higher and louder tune and I bit my lip so hard I could taste the blood in my mouth.
"No we're not Harry. Liam's just saying that what you and Louis has is special and that you should not throw it away." Niall said and I heard Harry sigh.
"Okay." was the only thing Harry said for the rest of the trip.
Was it that bad to be gay? Of course it was! It was not normal. It had to be something wrong with me. I was wrong, disgusting, weird, ugly, stupid, depressed and I had a broken heart that couldn't be fixed.
You can bandage the damage but you never really can fix a heart.
