I didn't eat breakfast that day or the day after. It was just not appealing to eat in the morning. Or any other time at the day, but I did eat, just not so much. I was simply not hungry. At all. And the thought of food just made me nauseous so I just didn't eat much.
All I did now days was; getting screamed at, losing weight, not sleeping and cutting. Harry had started with the word abuse again and I couldn't really take it anymore so I cut. I didn't eat much which came to that I lost weight. I didn't sleep 'cause if I did I just had nightmares and not sleeping made me slower and weaker. I swear that I would be dead soon if I didn't sleep. I felt like I could sleep for a year but...I just couldn't fall asleep. And the ringing! I nearly forgot it, but it was there all the time sometimes in the background and then it came and drowned every other sound. I've understood that it gets worse if I thought about it and when I was at my lowest, which I was very much.
It might have been so that I needed to get it checked, it has been there for about a week and it hasn't got better. Maybe I should go to a doctor. Maybe he could help me with the ringing and explain it to me. But what if the doctor saw my cuts or can see that I was indeed depressed? Would he send me to some rehab place or get me a shrink? That couldn't happen! We have so much we need to do and with Christmas coming up I couldn't afford getting showed away by a doctor.
I needed to be strong and fix things by myself. First thing to do was eating. Because that was the thing I most recently stopped doing and you could see that I was not eating much and if I went out the fans would see and then I would be dead. I didn't want the fans to worry about me. I didn't want anyone to worry about me. I could handle this by myself, I was a grown up man and I could take care of myself. I didn't need anyone's help and I didn't want it either. All I wanted is to get well and I wanted Harry to stop being so mean to me.
'Cause all this is his fault! If he hadn't started to be mean to me I would never have used self-harm, I wouldn't have had nightmares and I wouldn't be depressed! So it was his fault.
But it was my fault that he had started from the beginning. If I hadn't been worthless he would've been nice to me. If I could sing he wouldn't need to tell me that I couldn't. If I was better he wouldn't need to be mean to me. It was my fault and it would always be. It was always my fault 'cause I sucked at everything! I couldn't sing! I was not funny! I was stupid! I was ugly! I was worthless. I was the most worthless person who has ever been born. And it was a bloody howl in my head! I hated this! I hated it all! Nothing was good and it all hurt so much. It all hurt. Everything. Every insult, every hit, every cut, every sleepless night, every time I didn't eat, the howl and just everything hurt. Nothing was good for the moment and I didn't know if it would ever be. This life sucked and I didn't know if it was worth living for. I just didn't know anything anymore. Everything was so far away. There were so many questions and so few answers. I wanted to know.
I wanted to feel something that wasn't pain. I wanted to understand why it was so awful. I wanted to know why I was worthless. I wanted to know what Harry thought and felt. I wanted to understand. I wanted the answers.
I just couldn't take it all right now. It was too much for me. I had to do something. But what? What could I possible do to make things better? What could I do to make it hurt less? What could I do to not be a worthless twit?
What could I do?
