I packed my suitcase while I looked around in my old bedroom. It was quite small, with red walls, some football and band posters on the walls, a white door, two drawers and a desk. On the desk there was a cd-player, some cd's, pencils, papers and a lot of other stuff. There was a small school pad full with notes I've written.
My eyes scanned the paper, so many memories. There was also a photo album most of the pictures was on Stan, my best friend from school, other friends and old girlfriends. Now I couldn't remember why I dated them. It never felt right and it was just fake. All of it. They were just like good friends to me, nothing less and nothing more. It was never real. It all was a game. A game to see if it would bend or break. And they all broke.
It's kind of sad it did, I loved them very much. Just not in the way they wanted me to.
"Louis, you can stay longer if you want." my mum said before I even noticed that she had entered the room.
"Mum, I would love to stay longer but we have rehearsals later this week." I said. Mum had been watching me carefully after she found out about my depression and tinnitus. She had even tried to take me to the hospital to just get some advise about how to ignore the noise and told me that the advise would help, but I just couldn't do it. I was sure it would help, somewhat at least... But I handled it pretty well in my opinion and it was more in the background now but it could still be very loud and annoying.
"I know, it just don't feel right to leave you in this state." she said and I sighed. It wasn't easy to leave for me either but it was probably the right thing to do. I shook my head and closed the suitcase.
"Mum, I will be alright. Don't worry about me." I said trying to sound convincing. I wasn't sure myself if I would ever be alright but I couldn't tell her that.
"You're a good actor Louis, but I am your mum and I know that you are lying." I sighed, of course she could tell. The howl grew and I tried to ignore the headache I've had ever since I went to bed yesterday.
"I need to go." I said when I saw the time, almost half past four in the evening. I grabbed my suitcase and went out to my car with my family after me. We said our goodbye's and they all hugged me before I drove off.
Away from family and love towards Harry and hate...
***
I opened the door to our flat and heard the telly from the living room. Great, so he was down. As I took off my shoes and jacket I could feel someone watching me and I was pretty sure of who it was.
"Had a good Christmas?" his perfect voice asked. It was sick but now I realized that I actually had missed him.
"Yeah, and you? What did you do?" I asked and looked up to be met by Harry's green eyes.
"I've been home." he answered. "I missed you, it was lonely here."
"Wait, you were here alone over Christmas!?" I asked, he couldn't be serious.
"Yeah, mum and Robin went abroad with Gemma and the rest of my relatives."
"Why didn't you go with them?" I asked not understanding why he stayed home.
"We're not on the greatest terms right now and I wanted to stay in England." not on the greatest terms...hmm... Had they fought? Anne was such a nice lady, she couldn't be mad at her son and Robin, Harry's step dad, he had always seemed so nice. What could have happened?
"Oh, um sorry." was my only answer before I remember a thing. "That's why you wanted to go with me! Because you didn't want to be with your family or alone here. Oh god, I'm so sorry Harry. If I had known you could have followed." I said truly sorry. Harry had been alone over Christmas, all alone in our flat. Such a boring way to celebrate such a beautiful tradition.
"It's alright, you didn't know. But how was it in Doncaster, everybody happy?" Harry asked changing the topic.
"It was good, everyone was healthy and exited for Christmas. The twins couldn't sit still for a minute." I said smiling at the memory. They even stood up and ate the Christmas food.
"Oh I can imagine. But how was your birthday?" he asked and I sighed. After mum and I had our 'talk' the guest had come and we had done like we always did on birthday's.
"It was OK, nothing special." I said and he smiled at me.
"I missed you." he whispered and I gave him a sad smile. It was almost normal between us right now. It felt like old times.
Why did he change? Was he just giving me hope only to break me down again. Like before. He made me believe that everything was good and then he came and picked me down again. It hurt even more when he did it like that. Couldn't he just decide which side he' wanted to stand on?
The ringing grew and it was now this high-pitched annoying loud sound that I could never ignore.
Was I going to let myself fall for his trap again only to never get catched? Or would I stand up with my feet steady on the ground?
I shook my head slowly at Harry before I ran up to my room and threw the suitcase on my bed.
Was this the right or wrong thing to do?
