The weeks slowly crept by and harsh words, much hate and a lot of hitting seemed to be the subject. My head pounded as I sat once again on the cold bathroom floor. The razor was in my hand and blood dripped from my wrist.
The cutting had become a daily ritual and it help. In some ways. And in some it just made it worse.
I didn't really know what to do anymore. The lads had begun to see that something was wrong with me, but that was probably because the dark rings under my eyes.
I hadn't been sleeping well recently and when I finally did I had this awful nightmare about the lads.
I was walking alone in a corridor. I didn't know where I was or why I was there. No light was seen, but then in the end of the path a bright light could be seen. Suddenly the dreamed changed and I was in a room with no door and no windows. Harry then came in view he had a creepy smile on his face and then Zayn, Niall and Liam came with the same smiles.
"He's so worthless!" "What a pathetic way to waste a life." "Ugh really, can't we just kill him already?"
The last voice was Harry's and I felt fear kick in.
The lads came closer. I couldn't even scream as they took respectively knife out. They came closer and closer....
And that's how the dreams always ended. I then woke up sweating and panting like I had ran a marathon. It wasn't until five minutes later the tears usually came. And when they came they didn't stop for hours.
I was afraid of a dream. I've never felt more scared and pathetic before and something in my head told me that this was just the start.
When my wrist had finished bleeding I got up and walked down to the kitchen where I grabbed an apple.
Snow was starting to fall outside and that meant it was soon Christmas...and my birthday. How would I spend my birthday this year? I was turning 21 the day before Christmas. Maybe I should visit my family in Doncaster. I could travel some days before and stay until after Christmas. That way I could escape Harry and the lads.
"What are you doing?" a voice asked me from behind. I didn't turn around, I already knew it was Harry. I could hear it on his perfect, dark, raspy voice.
"Nothing." I replied with a sigh.
"You sure? 'Cause I think you’re eating an apple." Harry said, was he joking with me or was he serious? I turned around to look at him while I took another bet on my apple.
"I think you might be right."
"I'm always right twat." and there it came. Not one day without getting called names.
I nodded and looked away. Silence filled the room except from my eating. After a while it became too much for me and I couldn't help myself for asking.
"Why do you hate me so much, Harry, what did I do wrong?"
Harry looked taken aback at my question and his eyes got filled with fear and...Regret?
"I...I-I I don't know." he then shuttered and left the room. Was that his answer? He didn't know! I could come up with a lot of reasons why he should hate me and he didn't know!?
But why did his eyes show those emotions. Fear and regret. What was he afraid of? Of me? What could I possible do towards him? And regret? What did he regret? Did he regret coming down? Talking with me? Or everything?
I could only hope that he regretted everything that happened these last months.
I hope he regrets them like I do.
