Beneath the Two | Academy Series #1

Chapter 27

Love is when the other person's happiness is more important than your own.

Love is when pain doesn't matter to you anymore.

Love is selfless.

I shouldn't care because I was born selfish. I never cared for someone more than I care for myself. I am my own lover, almost close to narcissists.

Wala akong pakialam sa iba, kung nasasaktan ko sila, kung naapakan, kung napapahirapan. I only know how to speak ill of them, bully them, make them feel bad about themselves.

That was the Angeleigh Jariyah Alvarez before being a Senior High School Student. Almost two years ago.

Selflessness sounds dumb to me before. Maybe because that time, I didn't know what it feels to love someone. Maybe because I was not fully aware of how love works, or maybe I didn't have someone I love yet.

And now, I'm here, seeing that being selfless is the only way you can love.

Sometimes, holding on does more damage than letting go.

That's exactly what I thought of all night. Matapos ng naging pag-uusap namin ni Zach kagabi, hindi na ako nahinto sa pag-iyak.

I just let myself get empty until I don't feel like crying anymore. Inubos ko ang lahat ng luhang pwedeng lumabas sa mga mata ko, dahil mamaya kapag hinarap ko siya, bawal akong manghina, bawal akong umiyak, bawal ko na siyang mahalin.

This is the kind of heartbreak I've been trying to avoid my entire life. I knew it since then, I'm gonna hurt myself if I fell into the trap. Hindi ko kailanman ginustong magmahal dahil una pa lang, alam kong hindi ako magtatagal.

This is the taste of my own medicine. Kasalanan ko lahat. I was blinded with so much happiness and unfamiliar emotions, because for the first time, someone gave me hope—the feeling of being accepted regardless of who I am—the feeling of excitement, joy, and unexplainable desire. I was overwhelmed by all the raw feelings he gave me.

Nakalimutan kong hindi ako normal at may mga bagay na dapat sana ay iniwasan ko na lang una pa lang. If I stopped myself from falling inlove with him, I wouldn't hurt this way. I wouldn't need to hurt him bad.

It wouldn't be this hard . . .

Narinig kong nag-aaway na naman ang parents ko about the same thing this morning. I even heard Dad mentioned divorce. He was making my Mom choose between me and him. He was asking Mom to leave with him. Siguro, dahil alam niyang alam ko na ang lahat, wala na siyang pakialam kesyo marinig ko o hindi.

I'm not reacting, I'm not complaining, but it doesn't mean I'm not hurting.

Suot ko ang isang white statement shirt at denim flared pants nang tumulak ako papuntang school. Christmas night party is my last chance to clear everything, to end everything. If I don't do this tonight, hindi ko alam kung magagawa ko pa siyang hiwalayan.

Yelah sent me the details last night. I already know the dress code and the flow of the party. Oras lang naman ang kailangan ko.

Originally, eight in the evening pa ang call time namin. I got ready way earlier as I asked Idris to be there at school at seven sharp. I need him tonight. I need to use him, so Zach can believe what I'm going to say.

"Anak ka ng pating! Ayoko, hindi ko kayang gawin ang hinihiling mo," tanggi ng lalaki nang ipaliwanag ko ang gustong mangyari.

We're here at the bench, outside the open field.

"Idris, please help me. You just have to be with me. I'll do the act, I'll do everything, just react like you're enjoying what I'm doing," ani ko.

"Parang ginawa mo naman akong kabit no'n. I'll pretend to be your lover? No, no, no." Kasabay ng paggalaw ng ulo ang pag-iling ng kamay niya.