Sincere Lies

Thirty

---

I wanted to cuss. I wanted to scream and shout. But I was on the road.

But at least, I'm alone, I thought.

I continued walking as the time went ticking by. It was still 3:29 AM on my phone. Maaga pa lang ay lumabas na ako. I just needed to feel better. After all that happened, I couldn't seem to find myself. I lost so much. Because Chris held so much of me.

Down the road, my eyesight, like, dimmed although the sky was still dark from the night that passed. I kept on walking though. I let my footsteps lead me to wherever it would lead me.

All I knew was the air was cold and not welcoming me. It was like it hated me.

I blinked twice, and the world suddenly was brighter. The haziness in my eyesight was finally gone.

I was on the bridge with suicidal history. I was staring out in the open. The sky was pouring. The clouds were dark.

I was in that place again. Alam kong pinagbawalan ako ni Chris na pumunta rito, but what was the use of obeying him? He wasn't mine anymore.

I sighed, continuing to walk on the bridge I must not be in. I let the pouring rain fall on me. I wasn't carrying any umbrella, but I didn't find shelter anymore. What was the use of everything when I didn't have Chris anymore?

My bad, he wasn't mine after all. He was Cerulean's and only Cerulean's. God, I wish I was Cerulean.

Sana ako na lang siya para hindi ko na kailangang masaktan nang ganito. Sana ako na lang siya para may nagmamahal din sa akin.

As much as I wanted to convince myself that I was the one who played Cerulean's part, she felt like a completely different person. And I couldn't hate her. I wished I could hate her like I hated myself and how I looked, but I just couldn't. She was too good.

Too good to be true.

That's why she's living in a town full of lies.

I ran as I felt my clothes getting soaked. I needed to come home. May pasok pa ako. 'Tang ina, 'di pa kasi magbakasyon. I needed home. Because I badly did.

As I passed by the streets of our neighborhood, finding a way to go home, I hugged myself. No one could give me a hug at that moment, and I needed it so bad.

I could do it myself.

But I couldn't really get it. Wala naman akong ginawang kasalanan, pero bakit kailangan akong iwan ng taong pinakamamahal ko, ng nag-iisang taong nakakaintindi sa akin? 'Tang ina.

The rain immediately stopped. I still continued running home. My rubber shoes against the wet ground. My head hurting.

When I was finally in front of our house, I looked up, afraid of any raindrop that would come down on my eyes.

I remembered every single thing I hated about home. Mom and her sermons. Dad and his judgements about how I was just "overreacting" over crying over my friends. I hated them. I didn't want to see them again, but there was only one place that could keep me safe.