Sincere Lies

Thirty-Two

---

I got a warning.

I looked at the gray paper that was left on my station in Dreamers' Gallery. It became crumpled when I placed it in my bag, but I could still read it.

-

I don't like
seeing your art.
If you don't stop,
I'll tear them apart.

-

Natakot ako sa kung hanggang saan maaaring madala itong warning na 'to. Ayaw kong dumating sa punto na madamay ang personal life ko sa mumunting kabuhayan kong ipinundar sa Dreamers' Gallery, pero mas ayaw kong bitawan ang pagguhit at ngayon, ang pagpinta. That was when I knew that I would not back down despite the warning.

I wasn't going any way but forward. I already lost Chris. I won't let myself to lose art.

I looked up the skies of cerulean and pink as I placed the note inside my shoulder bag. I just tried brushing every single thing about the warning off my mind. It was hard though.

Just like brushing Chris off my mind. It was always going to be hard.

And now, I realize this. . . . I want him to know. . . that I'm sorry. . . so sorry for being selfish and not completely letting him go.

"Hindi na maipinta 'yang mukha mo." Ang pagkarinig ko.

"Ayos lang," I said, still unaware who I was talking to. "I'm not worthy enough to be in a painting."

Nang lumingon ako sa kanan ko, I saw Chris in his loose long-sleeved shirt. My heart almost panicked if I hadn't told it to be calm.

"Even if you are the painter and even if you paint thousands of paintings, you are still art," Chris said.

I smiled, and it was painful.

Chris had no idea how much I still loved him. Chris had no idea how bad I wanted him back. Chris had no idea, and I had no guts to tell him.

"Chris," I said, gasping for air as my tears fell behind my mask.

"Cerulean," he said, smiling bitterly.

Dinukot niya ang phone niya mula sa bulsa niya at tumingin sa akin. He unlocked his phone with a code I did not look at.

"Remember this?" Chris said, showing me a photo from his phone. I squinted my eyes, trying to make the photo clearer even if my eyesight was good.

The photo was a drawing of beautiful skies. It was in charcoal. It was my drawing. It was "Skies."

"I remember," I said, smiling as I looked at Chris. The moment I saw his face again, my heart broke even more. I didn't know why Chris still did this. I didn't know why Chris still continued to find me in Town in a Building, and I didn't know why he still talked to me. Kung tutuusin, hindi na kami dapat nag-uusap, e. Pero bakit?

Was he preparing to completely leave me? Or was I the one who was holding him back from leaving me all alone?

"This art looked so lonely, Cerulean, when you didn't explain it to me," he said, looking into my eyes.

"I remember." That was all I could say. That was all I could think of.

"But when you explained it to me, I understood," he said. "And that's why artists are also art."

I gave him a questioning look.

"Artists are mosaics of different pieces of art. They are sculptures breathed with life," he said, sighing and looking into the distance.

"And sometimes, they're in masquerades," I said, letting out a chuckle. "And they look like trash. Like me."

"Please never say that," he said.

"It's true," I said, laughing. "Without this mask, you wouldn't call me 'gorgeous'."

"But I don't care about the truth," Chris said, coming near me as he touched my face.

I would do it all again just so I could touch him again. I would do it all again just so I could love him again. I mean, I still love him. And I would exchange everything just for him to touch me like this again.

"I don't care about the truth, Cerulean," he repeated. "I'd lie a thousand times just so I can love you."

"But. . ." I spoke, "in this masquerade, I parade the truth."

"What do you mean?" he said. "Cerulean borrowed Stephanie's heart. That's all."

"No," I firmly said. "She lost it."

I swallowed.

"Cerulean accidentally dropped my heart somewhere on this balcony," I said, my hands shaking as my tears fell.

"I love you so much, Cerulean," Chris sobbed on my shoulder. He was shaking as he held me by my shoulders. It felt like heaven and hell. It felt so good that he was holding me again, just like how he held me when we were still together, but it hurt so bad that he was crying. He was crying in front of me. As if it was all his fault and never just the universe's.

"I promise to do my best to be real," I said. "Alam kong imposible, pero I will do my best to be real, to have Cerulean in the real world."

I hugged him as I sobbed on his shoulder as well.

"I will wear a mask," I said. "I will wear this mask. . . I will carry her name everywhere I think you will be just so you could still love Cerulean."

"Am I talking to my lady?" he said, looking directly into my eyes, into the apertures where he could see the windows of my very soul.

"Yes," I said, "my man."

Chris caressed my cheek and came even closer. I could feel the heat of his tears and his arms, and I wished for something I knew I wouldn't get anymore. I wished for one last kiss.

But Chris placed his thumb on my lips, blocking his lips as he almost kissed me.

He tried to kiss me. He motioned it. But he didn't. He still didn't kiss me even for probably the last time.

"I'm so proud of you," Chris smiled, holding my hands and squeezing them. "I know you can truly be Cerulean. But I can't really love you. I'm sorry."

With everything he said confusing me, he left. I wished I could turn back time.

---

➡️ Listen to "Two Is Better Than One" by Boys Like Girls feat. Taylor Swift. I love this song!