Sincere Lies

Thirty-Five

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Kanina pa ay mahapdi na ang mga mata ko. Napakahapdi. Napakabigat. Kanina pang umaga.

Nakakalungkot kasi parang magsisimula na naman ako. Without Chris. Nakakainis kasi parang magsisimula na naman ako.

At nakakainis dahil hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin nakukuha ang mga drawings na sinira ni Mom.

"Stephanie," I heard Chris call.

I turned around just to see a streak of the disco lights from above the Mic-Taking's stage. No Chris. No Gideon. No one. No one was calling me.

I thought Chris is here.

Akala ko lang pala 'yon.

How I wish I can wear this mask forever. How I wish I can be that perfect lady for Chris, I thought.

I waited for hours as I sat and stared at the gorgeous sky out in front of me, but Chris was nowhere to be found. I waited and searched, I looked for him and longed for him, and I wished and hoped for his presence. But in the end, wala pa rin siya. That was when I realized that the last time I saw him, I told him that I would be alright without him.

It was a bad move I wanted to take back but couldn't.

I still wanted him. I still loved him. I shouldn't have said that.

Baka bumalik pa siya kung hindi ko sinabi 'yon. Baka sakaling may kami pa kung hindi ko sinabi 'yon. Baka sakaling maging okay pa ang lahat. Pakiramdam ko ay walang akong kakampi. Pakiramdam ko ay wala akong kakapitan, at tuloy-tuloy lang ang agos ng buhay. Malapit nang mapigtas ang tanging lubid na nag-aangat sa akin.

Habang naglalakad ako papuntang washroom, I thought about Chris. There was no one else running in my head but Chris. Lagi namang gano'n.

I walked as I tried to remember every single thing I experienced with Chris. The café. The Freedom Floor. The Philippine History. Town in a Building. Love. Love.

Napatigil ako sa paglalakad nang makapasok na ako sa washroom. There was something quite off. There was something wrong.

I looked around, making a 360-degree turn, and my eyes caught a gentleman's gaze.

"Miss?" ang sabi niya.

Sa unang letra pa lang ng sinabi niya ay napagtanto ko nang nasa mali akong washroom. Nasa panlalaki ako.

Agad akong tumakbo palabas. Fuck.

With my hands on my shoulder bag, my head down, I ran as fast as I could. There was only one way to go to. And it was outside Town in a Building.

"Ang tanga ko talaga," I mumbled as I finally exited the doors of Town in a Building's main building. Parang dati lang.

As I reached for my phone inside my bag, my heart was beating fast. I took my hand back, refusing to get my phone. May naramdaman akong hindi maganda.

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Mabilis ang pagtakbo ko bago ako makapasok sa gate namin. Mabilis din ang pagsara ko ng gate.

I dared not to look back as I, like, escaped. The people in black were running after me again. And I don't care if I saw them disappear before and if they are not real because they are!

Nang nabuksan ko na ang pintuan, naramdaman ko ang pagiging ligtas, pero pati pala sa pagkakataong 'yon ay mabibigo ako. Nang ma-lock ko ang pinto sa likod ko, I saw Mom and Dad, waiting for me, as if.

"Saan ka na naman galing?" ang malakas na tanong ni Mom.

I did not notice my tears falling down but then, I already could. I felt mad upon seeing Mom's face. I felt so mad at how she ruined my drawings and everything I held onto.

But despite everything, I spoke softly, "Mom, Dad, you have to thank someone. Really. He helped a lot in keeping me alive."

If he is still with me, I wanted to add but did not, kahit kasinungalingan lang, maybe I'm a little bit more alive.

I did not wait for their response. They were just frozen upon hearing my words. I did not know if they understood what I was talking about or not, but that didn't matter anymore. I just have to go back. To my room.

Where I could pretend everything was still okay and lovely. And perfect.

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