Sincere Lies

Thirty-Four

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"Cerulean," Chris smiled as he approached me. I wanted to believe that his words would mean something like comeback. I wanted to believe that his smile meant good things. I wanted to believe that we could still be. That the memories I poured into my drawings about us could still be back.

"Chris," I smiled back as if everything was okay. But deep inside, I knew that what I wanted wasn't possible anymore.

"How are you?" ang tanong niya habang nag-aambang tumulo ang luha niya.

"Ayos lang," I said, still smiling. "Ito, tuloy pa rin ang buhay. Still Cerulean."

Gusto ko sanang sabihin sa kanya ang nangyari. Gusto ko sanang magsumbong tungkol sa ginawa ni Mom. Gusto ko sanang sabihin kung gaano ko ginustong sampalin na lang ako ni Mom, kahit gaano karaming beses, kaysa sa sirain niya ang mga drawing ko.

Gusto ko sanang sabihin kung gaano ako kagalit sa ginawang pagsira ni Mom sa memories namin. Sa pangarap ko.

"How about you?" I asked instead.

"Ayos lang," he said, shrugging. "Tuloy lang ang buhay. Still Chris, still in love with Cerulean."

I smiled bitterly as Stephanie. Then, I smiled again for Cerulean.

"Chris," I grinned as my tears fell behind my mask.

"Yes, my lady?"

"I love you," I said, crying as I saw his tears fall down with mine. "I still love you, and you still love Cerulean. We could still be."

"I'm sorry, Cerulean," he shook his head, his eyes filled with tears.

And now that he's crying before me, I can say that his wild eyes are the softest and the most fragile ones.

"I'm sorry, Cerulean," he said, chuckling through his tears. "I'm too pathetic for love. Hindi na talaga tayo puwede."

I nodded. "I understand."

"Uh," he uttered, "Cerulean, I am really sorry."

"No, you don't need to be sorry," I said, wiping the tears on his lower cheek. "Hindi ko naman pinagdadasal, e."

I sighed.

"I'm not praying for it, but I want you back," I said. "I sincerely want you back, and I don't wanna get used to having no you by my side."

I held Chris's hand and looked into his eyes. He was so unhappy. I saw it in his eyes. And his eyes were always the gateway to his heart. Even if our masks cover our faces.

I lost my heart in this bright building, in this neon building, so I asked Chris, "Can I share my heart with you?"

He just looked at me with all I ever wanted from him—admiration. He didn't answer. He was just crying.

"Uhm. . ." I uttered, looking down on our hands, "I'm sorry. . . so sorry for being selfish."

"But you're never selfish," he said, his eyes locked with mine.

"No, I'm selfish," I said. "So, I'm sorry for being selfish and not completely letting you go."

"What do you mean?"

"I know that I always subconsciously wish that I could still see you every time I set foot in Town in a Building," I said, "but now, ayos lang. I am okay."

"I was okay, I am okay, and I will be okay," I lied. "You can leave me already. I will be okay. Kahit ano man ang mangyari."

"Cerulean," he said, his eyes filled with concern.

"No," I said, smiling painfully.

"What do you want me to do?"

"Just kiss me," I said, shaking as I held his hands. "Kiss me for the last time."

"I'm sorry, Cerulean," he said, planting a kiss on my forehead. "I would rather love you this way."

And just like what he always had done, he left.

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