Find a Light (JenLisa Adaptation)

22

Saturday

December 21st, 2019

"Wow. It's so... Christmassy."

Jinwoo laughed as he followed Lisa's gaze from the small Christmas tree in the corner, to the green and red socks with 'Jinu' and 'Lisa' sewed on them hanging on the wall, and lastly to the Christmas lights fastened around the doorframe of his apartment door. "Yeah. Just like every year, little sis."

"But the lights are new." Loudly sighing, Lisa let herself fall backwards onto Jinwoo's couch. "So I'm guessing we're celebrating here?"

"Don't say it like it's some kind of disease. It's Christmas! Show some spirit!" a grin took a hold of his face as she sat down next to her, playfully punching Lisa's shoulder. "We can do it however you want. But since your apartment lacks any trace of Christmas, I'd say –"

"Hey," Lisa interrupted with a held up finger, "I do have a small tree."

"Really?" he asked, although it didn't sound like a question at all, raising skeptical eyebrows. Lisa shrugged and rolled her eyes, "Yeah. Jennie brought it."

"And she's still alive?"

"Of course she's still alive. Don't be ridiculous." Jinwoo meant to deliver his words as a joke and actually thought Lisa would regard them as such, but he realized that today apparently wasn't such a good day for humor.

The way she sat there, all slumped, her arms crossed and eyebrows drawn together in annoyance, Jinwoo knew immediately that something had to be wrong with his sister. While Jinwoo learned over the years – mainly Lisa's high school years – that the best way to get to talk to her is let her be and let her deal with it on her own until she was ready to tell him about it, the constant worry he had for her ever since Nicole died had him tight in his grip.

Fear had been nagging at him for years now, every time Lisa wasn't feeling well. Even if Lisa thought otherwise – and he wasn't sure if she did, or if she knew that he knew – Jinwoo knew that she had been suicidal.

He had seen the enormous amount of sleeping pills she had thrown into the trash, more than once actually. Did her confront her about it? No, he didn't, and he hated himself for that every day.

What kind of a brother was he, just watching his own sister dangling on the edge of death, playing the guessing game at night while he wondered, tremulously, if she had gone through with it this time? But he couldn't talk to her, he just couldn't, because he just knew what kind of questions she would have thrown at him,

What do I have to live for?

Can you promise me that it will get better?

Can't you understand me?

He wouldn't have had any answers to her questions, except... except to her last one. Yes. Yes, I can, and that was probably the worst thing. He understood why she didn't want to live anymore, he understood that life got harder and harder for her with every day, and he understood that Nicole had always been her life source, that one person that always kept her emotionally charged up. He understood her. Without that source, how could she live on?

She managed though, for what Jinwoo would be eternally grateful. But still, every time Lisa didn't act like herself or she got that... that look in her eyes, Jinwoo feared that this time, she wouldn't manage. With that thought taking a hold of his brain once again, Jinwoo bit the corner of his lip and shifted on the couch. "You're... not really in such a good mood, are you?"

Lisa didn't look at him as she sighed irritably. "I've felt better?"

"Is it because of Niki?"

"God, I wish." She scoffed and shook her head, training her gaze on a spot up at the ceiling. Lisa's answer made Jinwoo's eyebrows crease in sight. "What does that mean?"