Find a Light (JenLisa Adaptation)

30

"So... Distance?"

Lisa's forefinger wandered over the rim of her coffee cup while she looked at the black liquid that always managed to at least bring her a tiny bit of comfort. Not now though. "Yup. It's what she wants." She frowned at her own words, stopped her fingers and shook her head. "No, it's what I want. She's just going along with it to please me."

"How do you know that? I mean, maybe she's –"

"She said that it was punishment for her to be away from me." Lisa glanced up from her cup and shot Rosé a look. "I'd say that means that the whole distance thing isn't really her favorite scenario."

"Oh."

Lisa slowly nodded, her eyes going out of focus when she thought back to the pained look on Jennie's face. "I've hurt her. Again. I keep on doing that."

"But you don't mean to."

Lisa scoffed, her head falling tiredly to the side as her finger picked its movement up again. "That doesn't make it any better for Jennie. Or do you think just because she knows that I'm not doing it on purpose makes it easier on her? I don't think so" She wasn't even sure if she herself wanted to stay away from Jennie. It would be the best thing for sure, if only to get a clear head and to avoid any more drama.

Who knew what would happen next time? Maybe there would be another kiss, maybe this time she wouldn't be able to stop, maybe they would... go one step too far. Lisa couldn't let that happen. It wasn't right for her and it wasn't right for Jennie.

"Lisa..." she looked up when Rosé's hesitant voice called out. The silver haired woman frowned, tightly grabbed her coffee cup in her hands and looked at a spot on the table near Lisa's cup. "I don't think it was the right decision."

"Why do you think that?"

She shrugged and shook her head. "I know I shouldn't be the one to talk because I tried to... you know, get you and Jennie together but... believe me when I say this now, it's not my intention this time. I just can't handle you two being so sad."

"Get to the point, Rosie."

"I think if... you stay away from each other... the situation will just get worse. You'll both be miserable and... your feelings won't go away, even if you don't see each other. Best thing to do is... deal with them, together."

"I don't have feelings for Jennie."

There was a short silence in which Rosé stared at her confusedly with her head tilted to the side before she spoke again. "But if you don't have feelings for Jennie, then why did you kiss her?"

"I– I don't... I did it because..." Lisa stopped and let a breath rush out, rolling her eyes. Before she could keep stuttering for a possible answer, Rosé spoke up, "Are you... are you in love with Jennie?"

"No! No, I'm not!" she sighed and tightly pressed her palms against the hot surface of the ceramic cup, dragging her teeth over her bottom lip. "I'm just... attracted to her. That's all there is. She's a beautiful woman and... that's because I kissed her. That's all." But inside of her, she knew there was far more than attraction going on. Something was twisting and screaming Liar! Liar! Liar! Over and over again.

But she couldn't admit it to anyone, she barely managed to admit it to herself, for God's sake. Of course she knew the real reason why she kissed Jennie. Why she almost didn't want to pull away anymore. She fell for her and that pretty hard. But Rosé couldn't know that. Jennie couldn't know that. Maybe her feelings would go away again. She just needed to wait a little while.

When Lisa lifted her eyes to her best friend again, she knew that Rosé didn't fully believe her. But she also knew that she wouldn't push it. She never did. "Okay... then maybe it's better if you don't see each other, after all. Better for Jennie."