my favorite girl

xxii

M

/

I feel bad for not telling Nayeon about Mina and I.

In my defense, I didn't know how to. I never knew if Nayeon was cool with the thought of same sex dating.

But then, I realized, I was the dumbest person in the world.

How can Nayeon, the most precious human being on earth, not be accepting of that, when she could never even hurt a single fly?

I thought I should've just trusted her and told her beforehand.

Now, she's mad at me.

I think. I'm not sure.

The walk home from school was silent again, and Nayeon hasn't even spared me a single glance. She was only looking down.

"Are you alright?" I ask, and she only nods. I sighed. "No, you're not."

I saw her roll her eyes. "If you won't believe me, anyway, why'd you bother asking?"

I frowned, pulling her once again to a stop.

At first she refused, but eventually, she looked up to meet my gaze.

"I'm sorry. About Mina and I."

A scoff escaped from her parted mouth. "Forget it. There's nothing to be sorry about that."

"But there is. I didn't tell you. And I was an idiot."

"Exactly, Momo. You should've just told me." She replies, sounding upset. She crossed her arms over her chest. "Instead, I find out by watching the two of you make out in front of me."

I wanted to tell her I didn't want Mina to kiss me right in front of her, but it seems like cat got my tongue.

I didn't want her to kiss me in front of you.

But it didn't come out.

Before I could even try again, Nayeon mumbled, beating me to it. "Why didn't you just tell me?"

I stammered.

"I was— I just thought—" I couldn't even come up with a complete sentence, so in the end, I only shook my head. "I don't know. I'm so sorry, Nayeonie."

I really am.

I didn't even understand why.

Why do I feel so guilty of the thought of Nayeon finding out that Mina and I are dating?

Why do I feel like I owe her for it?

Why do I feel like turning things around and calling it off with my girlfriend just for Nayeon to not be upset about it, anymore?

And then it hit me.

It's because it was never Mina.

It was Nayeon.

It has always been Nayeon since we were five.

And then, as if on cue, the familiar drumming in my chest came through, while Nayeon and I stood frozen in our spot, just staring at each other.

I realized, then, it was always because of her.

The drumming in my chest.

It was always Nayeon.