❀ℬ𝒶𝒷𝓎-𝒟𝒶𝒹𝒹𝓎❀ ⁽ᵃᵗˢᵘᵐᵘ ˣ ʳᵉᵃᵈᵉʳ⁾

❀19

< 7 days later- Almost self harm>

After that one suprise outburst he continued on having them, I've manage to snap him out of his drunken rage before he did any major physical damage. The abuse from Karin however, she became physical and he let her. I lost count how many times she has slapped me but she didn't leave any marks, it's not like she's very strong to begin with but it sure stings.

I felt hopeless, and alone even though I know I'm not, I know I'm loved that I have people who love me and care and are willing and want to help me but I'm so tired.. I can't deal with anymore drama and choas..

I found my self staring at the razor blade in my hand.

I just want the pain to end.. I want out.. maybe dads right.. the worlds better off without me..

I press the cold blade against my wrist with the intention of ending my life.

Their faces flashed through my mind.

Grandma Yumie

Uncle Lenni

Shin-chan

Kira

Mama..

"The Lord wouldn't never give you something he knew you couldn't handle my love, Come now and pray with me. The Lord will take your pain and sorrow away and fill you with strength and happyness. You can always turn to him."

Her words echo in my mind and I instantly drop the razor blade and stare at my unharmed wrist.

I collect my self then I walk to my parents room, the house is so quiet I can hear my own foot steps. Dads with Karin at her house so it's just me.
I enter the room and find my self at my mothers side of the bed, everything is still how she left it but covered in dust. I stand in front of my mothers nightstand then pull open the drawer.

I smile softly at The sight of her bible, I take it from where it sits and hold it against my chest and return to my room with it after shutting the draw on the nightstand.

I sit on my bed and sigh.

She carried her bible everywhere, it's like a piece of her. She has always been a Angel even before she died.

I decided to pray, I haven't done so since her death.. at least not properly.

Holding mamas bible close to my chest I blow my head and close my eyes just as she tought me to do when praying.

"Lord, I-I know it's been awhile since we talked properly .. maybe if I would have kept on talking to you I could see clearer. If I would have put my faith in you just like my mama did.. I don't want to give up, I need you.. I need your help.. I need your protection and your love.. these past days have torn me over and over again.. everything with Atsumu and my Father.. I ask for your forgiveness for my sins.. I didn't wait until marriage to have sex and I regret it.. I pray for better days not just in my life but others.. please take my burdens and please give me strength. In Jesus name I pray.. Amen"

Taking a deep breath I open my eyes, I feel a lot better.

"I have to get ready for work."

I slide my mother's bible into my nightstand after I close the drawer I glance up at my calendar.

The red frowny face has a X over it.

"I haven't had my period yet.. it happens sometimes I guess."

I contiplate on eating but my stomach has been upset lately and I've come close to throwing up 

"Oh well."