Home. (L.N.)

27.Painful Realization

It is the first race after the summer break and I choosed to be here rather then to support Mason at his game tonight. When I arrived yesterday I quickly went to my room and spoke to nobody. I still stand by the choice I made to come here but the thought came to my mind that this was the final drop that made the glass overfloat. I've missed the track even if it means I would see Lando at some point. I just need the adrenaline and feeling of a race. Besides that I was here to pay my respects to Antoine. It was a hard weekend for lots of people here, especially Pierre and Charles, who lost a dear friend. To all sadness it seems like the angels were mourning themselfs. Billions of water drops fell down on the track leaving a film of water behind. It was also the first sound I heard when I woke up this morning. The rain slammed against the windows and when I opened the curtains all I saw were grey clouds and the water running down the window. The possibly worst weather for a race. And I was even more surprised that they did let them race. The conditions around the track seem to be horrible. And it made me anxious seeing the cars drive around in such high speed.

The Quali for Mick was already over with P17 as a result. Pretty decent. Q3 was still on going with no hope for better weather in the near future. It was raining heavly down on my umbrella, which is protecting me from the wet. I can see the spray the cars leave behind them and how wet the track is. Drivers complained multiple times about the conditions but were still racing. I stand close to a screen watching the cars doing there laps. Mick is doing his press stuff, so I have some time to kill. I look down at my phone and see the response to my good-luck-text for his game later from Mase.

Handsome
Thank you! Hope you have fun in Spa?

Me
It's incredible wet! Besides that I enjoy being back :)

We act like this hard conversation didn't happen. But what will happen between us when I return to London is all time present in my mind since yesterday. Right after hitting the send button I hear a unnormal noise. A few gasp out and I also hear a few shout from the crowd, but the sound I heared over that was a loud clash. I look up in horror to the screen and see something orange spinning around. My hands wander to my stomach in a reflex. I remember my dream in Greece. It feels like deja vu. My heart sinks to the floor. Is that Lando? A gutted feeling sits in my stomach watching him eventually stopping on the side. I see the yellow helmet. His yellow helmet. In shook I stare at the screen before they change the picture to the Stuarts waving red flags.
"Fuck", I whisper. It is Spa like in my dream. It is eau rouge like in my dream. Did something happened to him? There will be surely help and I saw no fire, so that's good no? My umbrella sinks down to the floor, it seemed too heavy right now to longer hold on to it. I feel the cold rain on my skin but I just don't care. I feel helpless. There is nothing I can do. What the fuck is going on? I look around in panic and my eyes find Carlos, who was just in an interview close to me. He is looking at the screen himself. His face is covered with seriousness. This makes me panic even more. My chest is rising up and down faster and faster with every breath I take. He crashed. Badly. I feel how the panic overcomes my body again. This is a nightmare. The following seconds feel like hours where I try to get control over my thoughts and burning lungs. I feel like I am standing in the pouring rain for 30 minutes before a person appears next to me. It's Britta, Sebs communication manager. "He is OK. Seb says he said he is OK " She gasps out trying to catch breath. Relieve is rushing through my body. I just realized I was right about this damn sport. It is so fucking dangerous. I can't believe what just happened. Just these seconds of pure helplessness and fear are too much for me. She puts an arm around my shoulders and her umbrella above me and says:"Look he is fine." I see that the scene appears back on the screen. Lando is just climbing out of the car holding on to his elbow. And that is when my boundaries break. I start crying. Silent tears rolling down my face. Loads of them. My emotions are all over the place. I am still angry at him. I am hurt. I am disappointed. I was so scared. But the relief dominates. I can feel my knees getting week. "I need to sit down" I whisper leaning against Britta for the moment. "Okay. It's alright sweetheart. Come over here and sit down" She helps me over to a wall where I lean against it and slowly slide down till I sit on the floor not caring about the dirt or the wet. All I care about is that he is alright. I have flashbacks from Monaco after the club and my panic attack there. "He is fine", Britta repeats now crouching in front of me and carefully moving a strain of my wet hair out of my face while smiling gently at me. "Thank God for that." I sigh closing my eyes and lean my head the wall behind. My heart is still racing, but my breath getting deeper. This was just too much for me.