Home. (L.N.)

29. Mason

Every step closer the the exit of the airport is harder then the one before. My feet feel as heavy as the stones in my stomach right now. I need to fight the tears already. The moment I burst through the doors and connect my eyes with Mason I know, that he knows. He probably knew longer than I did. His normally warm beautiful brown eyes, which are quite small when he laughs, are filled with sadness. When I checked my face in the camera of my phone on the plane I saw the same look in them. Besides that under my eyes are deep dark shadows, the result of the sleepless night I have behind me. I tried to prepare as good as I could for the upcoming conversation. Every single word I chose carefully to make it as easy as possible but all them disappear when I see Mason. My Mason. I need to hold back my tears when I approach him. There is a moment we just stare at each other before rushing into a hug. I just need to feel him. Feel the warmth and the comfort. My ear lays on his heart while his arms are wrapped around me. His hoodie absorbs the single tears running down my face leaving behind a dark stain on the grey material. His head rests so effortlessly on mine. From the outside we just beautiful together. Our hearts adore each other but just not in the way lovers, partners, soulmates should. The realization in Belgium was painful but the moment of confrontation right now shatters my heart in several pieces. I think back to the moment I first met him at his house. He was the bright figure, the sunnyboy, the life of the party. I was fascinated by him. The laughs we shared have been so genuined. The way he made me feel especially every moment we are together was exactly what I thought I wanted in life. And it is, but just not with him. While I listen to his heartbeat under my ear, the moment of the champions league final plays repeatedly in my head. The way he looked at me afterwards and the way he let me forget all the problems in that moment. Right there I would've sworn he is the one I want to share the rest of my life with. I see the pointy white teeth of his right in front of me while he shows me his golden medal. The way I love this smile, his smile, I can't put it in words and it hurts so much, that I was the reason he doesn't show the world right now, how beautiful he is. But besides his beauty on the outside, Mason is even more beautiful on the inside. I never met someone, who showed so much patience then him.
"Hi" it's the first thing one of us says after minutes of just standing there not caring about the others or if someone is stealing my luggage. It's more a raspy whisper that leaves his mouth.  "Hi" I mumble into his chest, my hands grabbing the material of his even tighter. It's gonna be scary without him. I would have no commitment anymore in terms of what we have. It gave me some sort of confidence boost knowing there is someone wonderful waiting for me wherever he was. It's also scary in the way our lives will evolve without each other. I got used to being around him all the time, I closed Frida in my heart, got on well with his friends and family. In a way this all will be over. But even if he is the safer option, my heart wants someone else. And I want him to be happy. He doesn't have that with me. It's time.
I lift my head from his chest and look up to him, my hands slide around his body till they lay on the place where my head was just seconds ago. Even in this kind of situation he smiles down at me slightly. I know it's a sad one but even seeing this right now comforts my soul. His thumbs wander under my eyes and wipe away the tears. "It's fine." He whispers. I barely hear him. "I am so sorry" I speak out the thing that I should've months ago. "It's fine. We both knew." Mason smiles down. I can see his soft creases around his eyes. He is right. We both knew but didn't want it to be real. We start to recognize the surrounding of where we are shortly. Some pairs of eyes are fixed on us while we stand in the middle of Heathrow Airport. "We should go" the sudden change in Masons voice let me look in the direction his eyes were watching out. He sounds upset. And I quickly see why. A guy with a camera stands close to us taking picture. "Yeah" I clear my throat and wipe away the last tears. That's the moment we both just function. It's been to often in the last few months that we find ourselves in this situations. Mason grabs my luggage and swings out of habit his arm around my shoulders. He walks with pace and his head down towards the exit. His hat throws deep shadows on his face, while I try to cover mine with my hair. There couldn't be no worse situation than this to be covered by the press.