How I feel about my bestfriend

Me and cowboy are in denial and our friends and family are trying to tell us

As you already know cowboy was in denial of what his ex-girlfriends had done to him and that was not all of it. However, it's not my story to tell well he went through a lot over the years so have. Well everybody has I bet and that life and life move on when we don't want to. I did tell you a little bit about his ex-girlfriends and most of them are my friends and I don't like what they did to him. They hurt him and that hurt my feelings seeing him hurt and upset over them. And when he comes to me crying I don't know what to do about it so. I will just be there for him and let him cry and I take him out to eat and go to the movies and other places and get ice cream and eat and our feelings. What upset me more was that he kept getting back together with them over and over again and came over to my mother's house crying to me. And all I want to do is be there for him like he was always been there for me. He a great person and I keep asking myself why are they keep doing this to him he has felt like everyone does do they even care about his feelings I guess not. When Cowboy was in high school with me and our other friends fyi his ex-girlfriends always made fun of him behind his back like making fun of his leg hair. I see nothing wrong with his leg hair most guys. I know they have hair on their leg. I don't know what they are talking about. I bet they have leg hair too. If they want to say something well they need to say it in front of his face not behind his back just saying not trying to be mean. Some of his exes wanted to use him however I won't say which one but you can guess I did give you a lot of hits in part one and part two. So in part one, I told you how we all met I think and what had happened the first year of high school, and in part two I told you how I felt about my best friend in my first year and second year of high school now I am going to tell you about the three years in high school I was in on and off again relationship also was a cowboy I bet some people were also in an off and on again relationship in their life. I remember Cowboy calling me one day when we were both sick and tired of the on-and-off again relationship that we could get together he got me off guard when he told me that to be very honest I don't remember what I had told him I think I told him ok. He makes me nervous over the phone or in person. To be honest no other guy had made me nervous only he made me nervous I bet my face always turns red when he is next to me. One time I was babysitting and I was watching them they were watching a movie and their older brother was also there if you wanted to know he is older than I and you might want to know why isn't he watching them well I don't know. Well, the cowboy had called me and he wanted to know what I was doing so I told him I was babysitting and he wanted to know how I was doing in school he always made sure that I went to school and that I always behaving and that I always do my school work and homework I told ok bad and a few minutes later he told me I love you he got me off guard. At first, I thought I was hearing things and that I was going crazy my heart was beating so fast when he told me that he loved me. I was trying to figure out if he meant as friends or as lovers lots of things were going on inside of my head that day. One of the girls asked me did he just told me I love you I told her yeah and her brother was also looking at me. I told myself that just happened I finally got to whatever daydream I was in I called it Amber lala land and I finally answered him I think I had told him I love you too really quietly and I think you told me what you said and I say nothing fast and he told me are you sure and I told me yes I am sure. And I think that we kept talking for a few more minutes and I think he told me he would talk to me later. And I think this is when I started liking him more than a friend but I kept my feeling to myself. I lost a family member in the same year and were close to one other. We do almost everything we each other we still dating other people and a lot was going on in our everyday life my mother had lost her sister and my best friend lost one of his family members and someone my family had to blame me for what happened to my mother sister. Me and cowboy we always text and call one another and always go to places and go swimming and go out to eat and go to the movies and talk about the fast car we want to own one day. And talking about fast and furious movies how awesome these movies are and talking about who is going to win a game. Most of the time we don't have time to see one another because he works and I was on a team in school. Something he asked me if I wanted to come to his house then I told him that I had to ask my mother if it was okay for me can go over to his house and know what my mother was going to say if I let you go what would you both do but there will be no kissing no hugging and no having sex and no cuddle. y'all should have seen my face, first of all, I asked myself what in the world is my mother thinking and why would I have sex with anyone I never even thought of having sex with anyone at the time and I didn't even have a sex life. What my father did to me I never even think about sex will sometimes but I never have sex with the guys I go to school with. I never really dated that much in high school or middle school I only had one boyfriend in middle school and he was a jackass he always asked me when are we going to have sex and I want 3 babies with you. And he had gotten upset that I told him no that I didn't want to have sex with him so he called me a gold digger. I had never asked him for money and he call me a gold digger does he has his head up his ass are something Oh I forgot to tell you his name it's Christopher but everyone calls him Chris because we knew 3 Christopher in middle school and there was also 3 Amber too I was known as the emo girl. Oh, I had forgotten she is Molly's ex well that's a long story first she was dating Nathan I just call him Nathan because at the time I had known 3 Nathaniel in middle school and I also knew one Matthew in middle school but he spells his name different this is how he spells him name Mathew so now that I got that out of the way anyway. Molly's ex Nathan was cheating on Molly with other girls and Nathan had gotten Molly pregnant she had told him I don't know if he was happy or not that she was pregnant with his baby. And Molly didn't know that her boyfriend Nathan was busy if you know what mean. And Molly cousin's had seen him kissing another girl in the hallway and Molly cousin's started following Nathan around school and other places they had to find out that he is dating more the one girl he was dating six girls at the same time and they wanted to kick his ass but they wanted to tell Molly first so they did any you might thinking how do I know all of this I was talking to Molly on that day so yeah. So they told Molly that they had to tell her something she said that was it so they told him then one week later she lost her baby she had a miscarriage. It wasn't the first time she had sex with one of her neighbors and he was also her ex but I can't remember his name this was in high school tho not back in middle school she wanted to get him back for cheating on her so she starting dating Christoper and Nathan at the same time. Nathan had found out that she his cheating on him with Christoper so he dumped her she kept dating Christoper and she told Nathan that she knew that he was dating other girls behind her back and he was acting like it wasn't a big deal but it was a big deal. A few weeks went by and Molly and Nathan got back together she is still dating Christoper and Nathan is still dating the other girls out I forgot Nathan also asked out one of Molly cousin's she told him hell no and some other words I am not going to put on here. Anyway, Molly had stopped dating Christoper two weeks later. And another few weeks later Molly asked me to date, Christoper, fyi we call him Chris if you have forgotten anyway I asked her why she wanted me to date her ex Oh I forgot he also called Molly a gold digger too anyway Molly wanted me to date Christoper I don't remember what she said or what I told her but I did end up dating him. Christoper told me he wanted to have sex with me and Molly and he also wants to have babies with me and Molly I asked him why he told me because it's hot and both of y'all are babes. I want to be a dad I felt sick oh he told me this on a school bus and he told me that he wanted a kiss I told him no and he told me that no one was watching I still told him no. A few weeks later I was in the gym and some of my other friends were always there and my homeboy was there and I don't even remember his name and my other friend Joe it's not his real name. I just call him Joe anyway jackass fyi Christopher wanted me to sit on the other side of the gym and I told him no that I want to sit where. I at and he didn't like that so he took my backpack and threw my backpack on the stands where we sit for games then he grabbed my legs and started pulling my legs and moving me where he wanted me to sit next to me on the other side of the gym. And my homeboy saw jackass pulling and dragging me so my homeboy started yelling at jackass and he pulling jackass hands out of my legs because my pants were falling down and my homeboy wanted him off of my legs and I kept telling jackass to get off me but he wasn't. So my homeboy started beating jackass up he was punching him in the face over and over again there was blood everywhere you couldn't even recognize his face it literally took 20 teachers to pull my homeboy off of. Christoper and two middle school police officers took my homeboy to jail because he was over age 18 at the time. I try to tell them it wasn't his fault that he had beaten him up Christoper had started it I know that he didn't start the first hit but my homeboy was just saving me from a jackass and I look it looks bad what he had did and I bet you would have done the same thing too.They took him away anyway and they let Christoper go free what the fuck they told me that Christoper didn't do anything thing wrong something has to be wrong will their minds or brain he had done something to me and he goes free ugh. And I thought that I was going to get raped in front of everyone in the gym because I had been raped before my father had raped me and he didn't know that. I had a boyfriend and no one had known that I had gotten raped. My father told me not to tell anyone. The school had called Christoper's grandmother and told her what had happened and they also took him to the hospital to make sure he was ok only my friends asked me if I was ok and Joe had gotten my backpack for me and when my homeboy went to jail one of my and his closest friend had done suicide I told myself why he did suicide and I don't even know if my homeboy even knows. And I had taken it really hard and I had blamed myself for it but I know now that I can't blame myself but I could have been a better friend tho and been more around not stopped being sorry for myself about being raped by my father and get help what. I needed I am not going to lie I did also think about doing the same thing that my friend did and. I told myself he wouldn't want me to do that and that there's more to life but I did think about it over the years if I haven't meet Cowboy. I might not be here now and now back in high school, I had thought that Molly would change and stop dating more the one guy I was wrong. I thought that Molly needed an awesome guy who would treat her like a queen the whole world at Cowboy treated her as his queen he fell in love with her and she broke his heart. I blame myself for what she had done to him and I know it isn't my fault I tried to tell Cowboy that Molly is using him and making fun of him and also didn't tell him the truth. I kept on asking her when would tell Cowboy and she kept telling me I didn't know she told me not to tell Cowboy what she had been doing all this time and I tried telling her over and over again to tell her but she didn't want him to know. I had tried to get through to her but it wasn't working and I had had enough of her lying to him for years to save her ass. I wasn't the only one telling her to tell him even her cousins even told her to tell him and our other friends told her to. I tried to tell Cowboy but he was really in denial about what he was hearing and what I was telling him he was thinking. I was making it up because he is heartbroken and I could have told him sooner than years later tho I think. I am a really bad friend am I a really bad friend? let me know because I think I am somehow between everything that happened between Cowboy and Molly and myself. I had fallen in love with my best friend I couldn't tell him because I didn't want the same thing to happen again as middle school did. Molly did want me to date Cowboy and our other friends also want me and Cowboy to date and some of my family members want me and Matthew to date too what do you think? Let me know I know that my life is crazy right I wasn't joking and cowboy life has its ups and downs as well well everyone has there's ups and downs. I guess that's just life lol I am trying not to cry right now when I am writing this but it's not working. I have a reason why I have not told Cowboy how I feel about him I don't want to change anything from our friends. I am really scared and afraid that if I tell him how I feel about him it will change everything about how we feel for one other and our relationship and our friendship or is it all in my head? I am overthinking everything I can hear my best friend saying yup it is in your head crazy girl trying to make me laugh so I started dating over the years I think I only had 6 boyfriends in high school over the years and no I did not date them in the same time I had waited a few weeks or a few months and went I gotten out of high school I had stopped dating I have not dated anyone over two years or 3 years. I had seen a tv show that reminds me of me and Cowboy the girl reminds me of myself lol and the guy reminds me of Cowboy the tv show is called Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir and she is a bit shy and awkward when she talks to the guy she likes totally reminds me of myself when I talk to cowboy lol I think that's why I watch this tv show lol and one day I was watching YouTube videos and I had found Maddie and Elijah they really remind me of myself and cowboy and Elijah really reminds me of Matthew I am not joking Elijah and Matthew can pass as twins and cowboy told me that he doesn't see it I told myself boys Elijah acts like you y'all both like the same movies like to do the same things y'all both like the same clothing too and y'all kinda look alike too. My mother doesn't even see it too she tells me they don't even look the same. I think I would be ok if Cowboy doesn't feel the same way or I am just telling myself that thinking about it will make me sad but I think. I will get over it in time or not lol the heart wants what the heart wants right? Some guys are betting to date me. I just don't want to date them I am not feeling it they are giving me fuck boys vibes when they text me and they ask me to send them a pic of my private parts. I told them no and they keep on telling me to send them some if you are thinking no I didn't give them my phone number. I was on a dating site big mistake because all of the guys on thee are fuck boy will not all of them tho. If my best friend finds out I bet he will look through my phone and text guys however I have deleted the dating app well some of them have my Snapchat but I stopped texting them a long time ago tho. Sometimes Cowboys acts like my older brother or a father and sometimes more than a best friend sometimes I do anything wrong I tell him ok Dad I don't know why I call him dad tho one time I almost called him Daddy I don't know if. I said it out loud or if I had said it in my head lol if I had said it out loud I don't want to know lol that would be embarrassing. I am going to share one of my songs that I had written for someone and I think he will know who I am talking about when he reads the song lol because I had given out a lot of hits in the song about who it is about and what I like about him. It calls boys like you I hope you like it my momma always tells me boys like you will tear my heart in two so do what you do best. Taking me to movies and telling me pretty little lies but with you, I can't resist cause. Before I met you, I never felt that I wasn't good enough before I let you in I'd have already given up on reading with no reply just let me just wonder why now I'm skeptical of love. So when you hold my hand do you wanna hold my heart? If you say you want me is it all of me or just one part? So when you look into my eye do you wanna hold my heart? When you say you want me it is all of me or just one part? My momma always tells me boys like you will tear my heart in two so do what you do best. Taking me to movies and telling me pretty little lies but with you, I can't resist cause maybe momma doesn't always know best. So when you want to hold me I am the one my momma always tells me that boys like you will tear my heart in two so do what you do best take me to movies and tell me pretty little lies but with you, I can't resist maybe momma doesn't know best. I'm terrified but I will never let you know I love you like a love song if I ever let it show everything feels just right I feel at home I will never let you go cause you are the one for me. So when you wanna hold my hand do you want to hold my heart? When you say you want me is it all of me or just one part so when you wanna hold my hand do you wanna hold my heart? When you say you want me is it all of me? Yeah. Momma tells me that boys like you will tear my heart in two so do what you do best. Taking me to movies and telling me pretty little lies but with you, I can't resist maybe momma doesn't always know best. So when you wanna hold me am I the only one? Do you want to get to know me? Or is this for fun? My momma always tells me that boys like you tearing my heart in two so do what you do best. Taking me to the movies and telling me pretty little lies but with you, I can't resist maybe momma doesn't always know best. My momma always tells me that boys like you well what can I say so good to be true so do what you do best. Taking me to movies and telling pretty little lies but for you, and with each other I will take that risk. Because I love you so much cowboy, till the end of time! And that's the song I had written for someone I guess I did to you who the song is about lol in the song and when he asks me about this I will just try to act like I don't know what he is talking about lol. And try to play it cool but my face will give it away and I know that my face will give it away. In part 4 I will talk about my last year in high school and after that, I will tell you what I have been up to I will see you in part 4 on how I feel about my best friend.