How I feel about my bestfriend

I told my best friend that I'll see him as an older brother and as my bff

I just told you how I and my best friend met now I am going to tell you how. I keep calling him a different name than his real name. You might want to know what I kept calling him for 2 to 3 weeks well I keep calling him Maui don't ask me how I got Maui because I don't know how it happened lol I am really bad at names I guess sorry I am not trying to be funny. I think I had heard him saying that his name was Maui or I was hearing things or I was losing it that day. Anyway one of his cousins had told me that his name wasn't Maui it was Matthew then I told her oh I felt so stupid. So I came up with a nickname for him these are the nicknames I call Matthew ranger rick, cowboy, smartypants, and Huckleberry I don't remember how I came up with Huckleberry but I think I got it from Girls Meet World and I also got Ranger Rick from the same tv show. And I came up with cowboy because he was acting like a cowboy and also talking like a cowboy so yet if cowboy is reading this now you know why I keep calling you cowboy and I wanted to drive you crazy calling you cowboy I think it works lol sorry not sorry it's kinda funny. Well, it's funny to me maybe not funny to you lol. And you might want to know how I told my best friend that I see him as my older brother and as well as my best friend. Well, I had to write a letter for a class project to someone I know so I started writing a letter to my best friend and how I felt at that time. I don't even know if he still has the letter or not I will be sad if he doesn't have it anymore but I won't be mad at him. I am going to let you read a song I have written but don't take any of the songs I have written and make it your own these songs I have written are personal too. I wrote these songs for my best friend to tell him how I feel about him because it is really hard for me to talk about my feelings to someone so don't use any of the songs I have written thank you. This song is called I Choose You When I was little till now I thought I was right looking for something new like the old days but all the roads I turned led me to you. This is what I have learned the house that you live in doesn't make it a home when you are feeling lonely doesn't mean you're alone people in life, will come and they will go you should know if I had a choice I know where I would be. We have been through the lows and the highs just knowing that I will stay by your side there will be no goodbye and you help me see the light when the sky turns grey and there's nothing to say you should know at the end of the day, I choose you. Now that you gave me the strength to make a change and look at what we had found no matter the name or your race or where you came from no one can figure us out. This is what I have learned the house that you live in doesn't make it a home when you are feeling lonely doesn't mean you're alone I have finally found where I know I feel where I belong and I know that you will be there with your arms open wide. We have been through the lows and the highs just know that I will stay by your side there will be no goodbyes and you help me see the light when the sky turns to grey and there's nothing to say at the end of the day, I choose you oh, just know I choose you. I choose you if you want to know what this song means to me well it means to me because I have learned a lot from my best friend that I need to stand up for myself and what I believe in and we might have different skin colors we all are the same. Let me tell you how I set up my best friend and my other friend and how they started dating. Well, she had a big crush on Matthew she had written a note and I and my best friend was trying to get the note from her to see what it said. So I asked her where she had taken the note and she told me she had thrown it away. Me and my other friend if you want to know her name is Molly and she started walking away I asked her do you like cowboys? However, I think he had heard me ask her that. I don't remember when I had to ask her that I don't remember if he was still dating my other friend let's call her bri her name is Brianna but I think he was still dating bri at the time. I was thinking that Matthew would be good for Molly and what she had been through over the years. Let's skip to a few months they had started dating and a lot had happened over those months let's just say some of our friends had a disagreement and it became an argument that she had broken the girl code and that she could not date our friend's ex. Well, my best friends know half of it but not all of it. There one thing that upset me is that they had made fun of Matthew's legs because he had hair on his legs and I don't see anything funny about that. I thought his legs looked cute just the way it is then Bri came up to me when I was going to class she told me that friends don't take other friends' boyfriends. I don't know if she was talking about me or Molly well she had gotten me confused I was thinking to myself what is she talking about? I have not taken anyone's boyfriend I am not even dating anyone. I don't remember if I had told my best friend about it I think I did tell him about it. I think in the same week Molly asked me what I think about Matthew I asked her what she meant. what I think about Matthew. She told me do you see him more than a friend do you think of him in a sexual way? She also asks me do I sexually have dreams about Matthew if so what happened? At first, I was asking myself why she was asking me this. So I ask her why you are asking me this. It is kind of weird and awkward she told me she wanted to know what I see in him and I told her oh okay. I told her that I see Matthew as an older brother and best friend and I don't see him in any sexual way and I do not dream of him in any sexual way. When I and Molly finished talking I went to class and when school was over I couldn't look Matthew in the eye because of what Molly had to ask me he asked me if I was ok I told him I was fine. When I got home from school I started doing whatever. I did that day I knew I was texting my best friend or hanging out with him so I got ready to go to sleep then I started dreaming about sexual things about him and I. let's just say I had a wet dream about me and him having sex. I know then I had to get up because of that dream I told myself it was Molly's fault that I was dreaming that and I still can't unsee that so I told Molly the next day she had my dream about something. I didn't want to see me and my best friend was doing it in that dream she thought it was so funny. It didn't stop it's 2020 or 2021 when I am writing this and I still have the same dream now I can not see my best friend the way I saw him before that dream I will tell you more when I get closer to that year. Me and my best friend we always talking and texting every day my mother kept asking me who kept texting and calling me I told my mother that cowboy was texting and calling me. I and sometimes Molly came over to my mother's house to play video games or watch movies and to just hang out. I needed to tell my best friend something however I had wanted Molly to tell him what she had done behind his back and she had made me write him a love note. I think he knows it was me because he had asked me if I had written it and I had told him no and I think he still didn't buy it I think my face had given it away. I kept on asking her when she was going to tell him what she had done behind his back. I kept asking her when is she going to tell him the truth about what she had been doing behind his back and it had been years so. I am going to tell him because it's the right thing to do and I didn't tell him sooner. After all, I don't want to see him hurt or upset because I will get sad when he is sad. Matthew if you are reading this well I am sorry for not telling you sooner well I did try to tell you sooner you were in denial when I was talking was talk you so I had given up on telling you because I knew it would hurt even more when someone else had told you that why I had to keep pushing Molly on telling you but she never did and she had gotten you in trouble I think you know what I am talking about it happen between 2016 to the 2017 year she had blame you about something about you ask her to take some pictures I think you know what I am talking about now. When we were still going to school together when had she been dating other guys behind your back I wanted to tell you but she and her family made me not tell you. Did you know she was pregnant 3 times one time in middle school and the other two in high school the first time it was from her ex-boyfriend from middle school I think he also doesn't know and she got pregnant again by someone else let's just say she lives next door to him and she was dating him and dating you at the same time? I don't know if it is true or not she had told me not to tell you she was pregnant she didn't want you to know at all and it drove me crazy knowing that you did not know I feel really bad. Let's skip a few more months to my best friend's gratulations party he told me some of his friends and some of his family members are going to be there and I saw a lot of his family and he told me I have not met all of them I told him I haven't met all of his family I told myself its feels like I was going to pass out. I should have dressed better I looked emo that day I was wearing all black. Matthew had caught me off guard by telling everyone that I was his girlfriend. I told myself when that happened because I do not remember dating my best friend. I had started choking on my soda. My mother thought it was funny my mind was all over the place I kept on asking myself what the hell just happened why did he say I am his girlfriend? Am I hearing things I am going crazy I am losing it then I was telling myself I needed to tell Molly why she was not here at his party then a few minutes later I came back to earth giving my best friend the look at what was in the world is going on look. The next school year his teacher let's call him Mr. Young and Matthew's cousin asked if I and Matthew are dating I told them no I don't think so because I don't even remember Matthew asking me. And that is how I told them that I see him as an older brother and as my best friend I will tell you more in part 3 and talk to you next time about how I feel about my best friend.