His hiraeth, my 𝒎𝒐𝒐𝒏𝒃𝒐𝒘

"Date"

Chapter 17

"You're chubby"  I heard someone say at the back of my head
"God no one is ever going to like you! What is your name again? The Deli? You're full of fat" she spat in my face as I stood there unwanted
Why can't I talk? Why can't I answer? Say something Delilah! SCREAM!
I watched as they groped me in a circle and pull onto me "you shouldn't even be alive, you're non existent"
Ever since childhood I was taught to keep my head low, do not answer back it isn't a sign of respect. But this world Ma will kill me if I don't say anything. Yet I watched them scream and call me disgusting names. Stop please! "You ugly cow" I held onto my shirt clenching it into a tight fist before I felt a hard punch in my side. I woke up sweating and looking around my room that moved around in circles "it was just a dream, just a dream" I said as I got out the blanket fumbling my way to the kitchen. I tried grabbing a glass of water only for my shaky weak hands to drop the glass, I picked up the bottle next unable to open the cap. "Fucking hell" I screamed as I set my face under the sink and let the water flow on my face. It was cold almost comforting with a light breeze, I let it go down my throat as I felt sweet drops in my mouth, my tears mixed with the water as I stood up straight wiping them with my sleeves. I shut the tap and sat down on the kitchen tile looking at the clear glass rolling onto the pavement water dripping around it like a pool ready to be dived it only for a little specie to fit in it "I am not little" I let out a laugh before looking out the window to the dark sky "yea I could never be one of the stars" I said as I laid down on the cold tile watching the popcorn ceiling letting my mind wander in places flash backing to high school when our minds matured too fast. "Why am I thinking about this?" I asked myself as I thought back to the morning today watching a little girl being told not to touch the cookie because she wouldn't look nice standing next to her skinny friends. She would be ashamed one day for the rolls on her body. She was precious, she deserved that cookie.
I was taught since the beginning of time how I could never fit in a world as a big girl, I was an average girl who was brought down to be tiny so I could find a future man to hold my hand for a friend who would like me because I'm an hour glass for someone to accept me because I'm not a piece of junk, when I was supposed to learn how to built a train rack instead of learning how to maintain myself, I was supposed to be know how to eat without feeling ashamed instead I was told to hold back on my diet. "Don't eat too much you don't want to gain weight Delilah? Didn't you just eat Delilah? Didn't you have enough for today? Stop it Delilah" they snatched a little piece of muffin out of my hand, out of a 10 year old child for what? "Just so I could fit in" I rolled onto the kitchen tile letting my cheek hit the cold tile as I felt a tear roll down my cheek "I'm much stronger now" I said I wiped it off
I sat up straight grabbing the water bottle off the sink as I chugged onto it holding onto my dead life "Yes drink more water it helps lose weight" I heard Ma say in the back of my head. I kept down the water as I felt my throat get heavy. "You should eat more, you barely eat" because the world turned me into this. By the time everyone realized food wasn't my weakness it was too late I lost myself in the way of pleasing the world. I got up as I opened my closet taking out a box with my journals in them. I never go anywhere without them, I barely write anymore but these are something I'll cherish forever. I turned over the pages to see the papers in ink vanish slowly with only two three letters on them, non of them contained a nice word. Some said "fat" some said "ugly". One even said "you insecure little bitch" I scoffed at my 13 year old self writing these. I closed the door looking at myself in the mirror "I'm in a good place but the world is still a bad place" I sighed as I pulled my shirt back making sure it hugged my body. I smiled as I nodded pulling up the shirt to the scars on them "that's hard work right?" I asked myself and the girl in the mirror cried inside. "You're fine" I hushed myself tying my hair back and pulling my shirt down to see a dark long scar emerging with the other scars. I held back a breath as I held onto myself and stood the ground. "Not today" I said and I looked up at the sky praying to God. "Don't let me feel this, you told me I could never look better, I already am the best version of me" I said as I pulled back my tears and inhaled.