Faded Memories [Book I]

Thirty

Diary #30
Akala ko nakatakas ako. Akala ko. Pero bakit nandito parin ako?

"Why are you still? Shit, Erin if you're blaming yourself—" she stop when she saw me sighed.

Kanina pa ako dinidistorbo ni Yannah pero wala talaga akong ganang makipagusap kahit kanino.

"Erin? Can you hear me. Wala kang kasalanan dito. Labas ka na sakanilang dalawa. Labas ka na sa kung anong away man nila ni Tita Vien." nag aalalang sabi niya sa akin pero wala sa sariling nakatingin lang ako sa malaking picture ni Sabrene.

Labas nga ba talaga ako dito? Bakit hindi ko kayang umalis? I'm not blaming myself but I feel like I was a part of it. I've witness their love for each other. I saw how much they're willing to sacrifice for their love to each other.

"I'm just worried about Hans." sabi ko na lang sakanya na ikinatingin niya sa akin ng maigi. It's like she's trying to read my facial expression.

"I just wanna stay by her side until the burial." malungkot kong dagdag pero diretso parin ang tingin niya sa akin. She looks so done. Alam kong pagod na siya sa kakapilit sa akin.

"Kahit kanina ka pa niya sinisigawan o sinasabihan ng mga masasama? Kahit kanina ka pa niya pinagtutulakan papalayo sakanya? Please if you're doing this because you wanna ask for forgiveness for fooling her. Just stop. That woman doesn't know how to forgive. Mas okay na ngang wag kang magpakita sakanya para hindi siya maghinganti sayo eh." dirediretsong sabi naman niya pero napailing ako.

I will stay no matter what happen... no matter how she try to push me away... no matter how much she hurt me through her words. I will stay kahit hanggang libing lang ni Sabrene.

I just wanna make sure she's okay until I stay away from her... if that's what she really wants.

"Dito lang ako, Yannah." mahinang sagot ko sakanya na ikinagulat niya. "Don't be stubborn and let's just go." naiinip niyang sabi sabay hila sa akin pero hindi ako nagpapahila kahit hinang hina na ang katawan ko.

"Tell me, how am supposed to go and act like nothing happened when I witnessed everything until she died? How can I go knowing she's hurting right now? She's in pain. How can I go and just forget everything? How can I go? Paano ako aalis kung pakiramdam ko mababaliw na akong hindi siya makitang okay?" naiiyak kong tanong sakanya.

I tried covering my face with my hand as I tried to calm myself. Why am I crying here? Shit. "Hindi ako aalis kahit alam kong hindi ako ang kailangan niya ngayon." sabi ko sakanya at pinipigilang hindi mahulog ang mga luha ko.

Alam ko naman eh. Alam na alam kong si Sabrene lang ang kailangan niya pero kahit na alam ko, gusto kong malaman niya na nandito rin ako at hindi ko siya iiwanan.

I can't go seeing her situation right now. Makita ko lang na maging ayos siya saka na ako lalayo sakanya tulad ng gusto niya.

Pagod siyang huminga ng malalim habang nakatingin sa akin. I know what I'm doing, Yannah. Believe me, I know what I'm doing. I know you're just protecting me and you don't want me to get hurt but Yannah I already fall for her.

What can I do?

How can I stop my feelings to the person who's deeply in love with someone else? You can't protect me anymore from getting hurt because I've already fallen for her.

Nasaktan na ako, nasasaktan na ako at alam kong masasaktan pa ako pero habang wala pa yung sakit, habang hindi ko pa ramdam ang sakit, dito muna ako... sakanya.

Ang onti lang ng dumadalaw kay Sabrene... mostly it's her blockmates or highschool batchmates. Wala na rin kasi siyang ibang relatives.

Sa buong pagbabantay sa katawan ni Sabrene nasa isang sulok lang si Hans na wala sa sarili. Hindi na kumakain at mas lalong hindi na rin natutulog. Nakabantay lang siya kay Sabrene.