To Have and To Hold

Chapter 3

With eyes cauterized by fatigue, Lisa watched the city lights dance and twinkle, reminding her of a sea of Christmas lights despite the fact that it was slightly too early for Christmas. And of course, Christmas lights seamlessly triggered memories of Neverland Ranch lit up so brightly it could have been seen from space without a telescope. Visions of Michael running around with Riley and Ben like a child, showing off the newest light effects twirled on the movie screen of her mind. Her eyes closed, forcing her brain to recognize that the current illumination had nothing to do with Michael. When her lids once again opened, begging the question of who had inserted the sandpaper that what would account for the scratchy, grainy sensation, it took a moment to focus on the kaleidoscope blooming before her. The city sky was illuminated, causing her for one second to question if it was indeed night. Her body felt drained and she had given up attempts to figure out what time it was at home in Los Angeles. Her body rhythm was all out of whack anyway when she traveled, and it probably would take her at least a week to adjust to the time change. With any luck, she would be back in LA in no time at all, never having to deal with combating jet-lag.

Unless he convinced her to stay.

No, if she held her ground, there was no way he would accomplish this feat. Plus, Michael never put up too much of a fight once she made up her mind to go. If he even deemed it worthy to waste any energy on her... Just like when she had filed for divorce, expecting him to come after her with pleas to make it work like he had done before, when she had merely threatened to split. However, that time, he had called her bluff. Or maybe he had just been relieved she broke things off and ended the endless and painful cycle of fights, tearing at each other with words or self-defeating actions, quick, torrential make up sex, and more fights. They both had been miserable. She suffered immensely from the physical and emotional chasm separating them. He reacted to her outburst by hiding in his mind or in other countries. When they were together, the tension had been unbearable, too. With all her heart, Lisa had wanted to make the changes necessary to save the marriage from destruction. But every time they shared space, she became a prisoner of her temper, her loneliness, and her anger. Her hopes had been dashed, and while her heart cried out for him to simply stay, love her, and hold her, her words had pushed him away further every single time, until they did not seem to share the same universe anymore. Why had it been so impossible to make him see how much she had loved and needed him? Good thing she was over all that now.

Which explains you hopping on that plane at the drop of hat.

It was not at the drop of a hat. I thought about it- for all of the five minutes it took to throw some clothes into a bag.

She really had to get a grip. Surely it was not healthy to engage in those endless conversations and arguments with herself. She wished she had someone to process this confusing mixture of feelings and thoughts with. But, like all good junkies, she had hidden her obsession, projecting the image of utter recovery, and sparkling sanity. The last thing she had needed was to hear her own doubts reflected back to her by her nearest and dearest. Her mother would have reamed her out and probably would have had her institutionalized for danger to self and others. Even Janet might have asked if she had finally lost her mind. Janet was furious with her brother right now for his marriage plans. Not too long ago, she had been just as exasperated with Lisa for her stubborn stance. Finally, raising the white flag, Janet announced she would once and for all withdraw from the position of top lobbyist for a Jackson-Presley reunion. She also might have added something about "two lunatics who deserve the misery they inflict on themselves and each other." Who needed enemies with such friends and relatives? Katherine, her former mother in law, had been the only kind and supportive shoulder to cry on. She had silently sat in her Encino home, sadly shaking her head, listening to Lisa rants, and assuring her that she had no idea what had happened to her son lately. However, Katherine did let it slide that she had thought it 'atrocious' that Michael did not plan on marrying Debbie. How about finding it atrocious that he had knocked her up in the first place?