To Have and To Hold

Chapter 20

Florida, May 1997

The waves of noises, voices, and shades of light swept over her and threatened to make her seasick again. Why could things not simply remain dark and calm? Without feeling? Without pesky people inhabiting her tomb?

"Lisa Marie can you hear me?"

No, I am dead. Leave me the fuck alone.

If there was one question she was truly getting sick of it was that one. Luck was obviously not on her side, or she would have lost her hearing...at least it would help her to not having to answer.

Summoning all her strength she nodded her head.

"Ok, good. Was that a nod? Can you open your eyes?"

What was next? Questions about her ability to fly? Why could she not simply lay here and fade away? To nothing. Because that was what she was. No, she was less than nothing. Because as long as you wasted space with your presence you are simply an abomination of nature.

She had been aware of having drifted in and out. Of something. She was not too sure what had happened. Drunk? Stoned? Oh, that's right...she had been sick. Which was really funny- since when did she have to be in a hospital to be confirmed as one sick puppy.

Shit, for someone hating to be under medical care, she sure had been in hospitals a lot here lately.

What you're waiting for, Lisa? Salvation? Or euthanasia?

If only! Why was it ok for suffering animals to be put out of their misery, but she had to keep on struggling. Without air. Without sunlight. Without him.

Because, Lisa, you selfish bitch, you have two children to take care of.

So what? They'd be better off without her. What a joke of a mother she was. No surprise- she learned from the best...or the worst. She finally had done it. She had committed the ultimate sin and had neglected her babies. Sure, she had suffered from some horrible illess: Addiction to the devil. Her religion was Michael- and he had elected to excommunicate her from his saving grace. Oh, she had repented ever since her oh so bright idea to dump the shit about Danny in his lap. It had seemed so smart.

Hurt him once and free them both. Brilliant plan. Too bad it had killed her as soon as she saw the expression in his eyes- the betrayal, the disgust, the hurt. Sure, her logical mind was well aware that she had every right to fuck every Tom, Dick, and Harry crossing her path. She had been a free woman after that stroke of his pen. He had chosen the Debster's fertile womb over her. So, what if she, in her pain had reached for some level of comfort? To be held by arms not choking her to death. To feel desirable, to feel like a woman worth something - not like the disposable cum-catcher Michael had relinquished her to. The only problem was that she very much still belonged to Michael.

As soon as Danny had collapsed on top of her, she knew it was a horrible mistake. Hell, she didn't even climax...instead, she had broken into tears, having Danny hold her, rock her, soothing her hysterics.

Poor guy. If anyone ever had been used and abused by her it was him. Yes, their marriage had been a train wreck, but it was her who could simply not love him the way he needed or deserved to be loved. They never stood a chance. She had done it- she had fallen in love so completely, not even the guilt over ripping her family apart could have stopped her madness. So, now he was her friend. The one holding her. The one attempting to calm her. Well, he had done a lot of that lately. He and mother had been so very helpful. In their own ineffective way, of course. Everyone had tried to exorcise her demon. Sadly, there was no amount of herbs, cleansing tonics, and fasting ceremonies that seemed to be capable of getting him out of her mind, her body, and least of all, her heart. She exercised until she almost fainted- hoping to be too weak, too exhausted, too drained to think about him, dream about him...long for him to forgive her. But you could wish for the gulp of air while submerged by water as long as you wanted- it just wasn't gonna happen. And Michael's forgiveness was about as likely as a rainforest springing to bloom in the Sahara.