To Have and To Hold

Chapter 11

"Crap." Michael leaned closer and kissed her on the mouth one more time, then got up from the bed. "Yeah, coming. What's up Carlos?"

He went over to the door, reaching for the handle.

"Mike, don't forget the food, please." Lisa reminded him.

He turned and he blew her a kiss. "No, don't worry. I know you get ravenous after working out."

She shook her head, and tossed a pillow after him. He pulled the door shut, giggling, avoiding her missile, then stuck his head in one more time. "Hey, try not to miss me- I will be right back, k?"

"Food! Why are you still there?"

He laughed again, shutting the door behind him this time. Lisa's smile faded and she sat there, biting her lip, unsure of what to do. Well, she probably should get dressed. Get on with her day, whatever that meant. Every move she made from this second on would leave a trail of timestamps bringing her closer to the inevitable point of no return: the time when she would have to leave him. Like a stone skipping across the smooth surface of a pond, each impact would bring her closer to either a hard landing on the other side, or to a plunge into bottomless depths.

What had she been thinking? How would the experiences of this night sustain her? How could they ever suffice to ward of the pain of knowing he was married to this other woman. He sure enough had acted like he loved her. He had made love to her with a passion, need, and a sense of desperation that she had never encountered before. Well, the passion and need part had always been present, but he seemed to be driven by something else. None of this mattered. He was not hers anymore. What was she doing here? Why was she kidding herself into believing that playing second fiddle would ever be good enough?

Maybe she should ask him what all of this meant. Was she just a convenient way to relieve sexual tension? Would they go back to trying to be friends now? Was that even within the realm of possibility? She worried that asking him would push him away. And right now, every instinct in her cried out to keep him as close as possible. However, could her frail condition afford keeping him close? He was married. He was about to be a father. The words alone were like slashes of a bullwhip. How would seeing the reality up close compare? How many slices of her own flesh could she offer up until her debt to fate was paid? How much pain could she inflict on herself to distract from the agony of not having him with her? Was distance the solution to letting the wounds heal? Or would another separation only serve to drive the knife in further?

Lisa, why they hell do you do this to yourself? You need to get the fuck up and leave before he comes back. Rip that damn band aid off in one swoop- stop being such a damn coward.

But if she left without seeing him once more, how could she collect yet another weapon to hold before her mind's eye when she reminded herself of what she lost?

Lisa finally forced herself to get up and get dressed.

Shit! She needed to call the kids and check in. What time was it at home? She also needed to give Danny an idea of when she would return. He had asked her if she had lost her mind as it was. Still, he was the most reliable person to leave Riley and Ben with. Danny...yet another complication she was unwilling to deal with at the present. She had gotten lost one night after her divorce and ended up in bed with him again. Big fucking mistake. She had been too drunk to even remember what went on, but he seemed to have though it was some grand new beginning. Fat chance. When she had realized she had actually let him fuck her, she had rushed to the bathroom and vomited. After sinking to the floor in a sobbing, shaking mess, she sat there, rocking, her arms closed tightly around her, looking around for ways to make the torture inside her head and her body stop. And oh, the soothing methods you could find in a bathroom...where you have all the convenience of keeping everything nice, clean, and secret. Anyway, things had been strange between Danny and her ever since.