To Have and To Hold

Chapter 8

The distance to the room seemed to increase with every step, every kiss, and every tantalizing touch. Lisa's size and weight were not a challenge to his overall goal to get her to his bed, but her actions were a different matter altogether. Her legs were tightened around his waist, her arms around his neck, and her hot mouth was also attached to him in constant kisses to his lips, the overly sensitive area just below his hear, and the spot on his neck that seemed to have a direct line to his groin.

Michael realized just how much he had missed their physical connection. He had always prided himself as not being ruled by his sexual needs. Sure, when he was young, he had confused lust and love, but he had learned his lesson at last after a painful stretch of frantically hanging on to a fantasy that was as tangible and real as blue smoke. After that, he once again had recommitted to his values of not engaging in sex for sport. Well, and in principle he had stuck to that. When he had decided against prolonging the torture of resisting wanting to make love to Lisa, he had already proposed to her, had considered himself to be deeply in love, and was convinced that their union was to be eternal. Having thus justified his motives and actions, he had only felt minimal guilt about her theoretically still having been married to someone else. She was his in every way that mattered.

Making love to Lisa had always been overwhelming. She unlocked deep sexual instincts and urges and once they had broken free they became noticeable in every aspect of his life including his music and dancing. No matter how crazy she drove him with her impetuous behaviors at times, no matter how exasperated he was at her constant questioning of his motives, once he got his hands on her, or felt her hands on him, all that mattered was chasing the intense, explosive release that would follow. Back when they were married, of course, it had been perfectly acceptable to let their souls merge in the fires of heaven- only right now he wondered if those flames were not of a different origin altogether.

After the split, his anger and disappointment at her childish, rash action of filing for divorce without giving them a fair chance to work things out had been a convenient aid in convincing himself that he did not need her in any way. He was sure the sexual attraction was gone, was certain she had eradicated all feelings for her, which included erotic attachments. After all, freezing people out was his specialty and he had become really accomplished at turning his back on those he evicted from his world. Well, that all had worked just fine while he was awake and able to distract himself from the subconscious longing burning under the well-controlled surface.

His dreams were a different matter. But so what, if he woke up rock hard after nights of feeling her next to him, her scorching wetness around him, of smelling her scent, of being almost able to taste her? No big deal that he ran up the water bill with countless cold showers, and spent countless hours in the dance studio trying to exorcise the sexual demon inhabiting his mind. Hard as he tried, all his iron discipline was not enough to recapture the sexual genie that had escaped from the bottle. At one point, he had considered seeking other female companionship, but then had recoiled, telling himself that this was against everything he believed in. He needed to move on with his music, his fans, and plan for a future that did not include Lisa. Creating the miracle that was his baby with Debbie had been part of that. In time, he was sure, he would find another companion, would find a more than satisfactory replacement for what he had lost. She could not have been that unique, after all. All that was required was patience. And he had to stay away from Lisa.

Well, after their meeting in Liz's condo, all those perfectly rational plans had taken a sharp detour and had raced down the road to insanity once again. Seeing her again re-infected him with the brand of madness he had thought to be immune to. If she played him by acting distant and unaffected while allowing her body to send signals of a totally different kind, he became a willing pawn. The closer he moved to the realization of his dreams of a child, and the more plans to keep Debbie a surrogate spiraled out of control, the less he could curb his desire to somehow break down those fake defenses Lisa had erected. It was not like he was dishonest telling her he missed her friendship. He just kept the part about missing their sexual connection to himself for the moment. This was data to be disclosed on a need to know basis, and as he saw it, Lisa had no current need to know. She would find out when the time was right.