To Have and To Hold

Chapter 4

Debbie finally had left after he had assured her for the hundredth time he would check in with her later.  Did she really have to be so needy? Surely, she understood that Michael would continue to be extremely interested and invested in her welfare, especially since she was going to give birth to his son soon.  However, that did not mean he had to be attached to her by the hip.  It was perfectly acceptable if he called or had his people inform him about her condition since he had just spent the past two hours with her.

Two hours.  So much could change in such a small time. Two hours before, he had been single.  Well, to be exact, he was divorced, but that was not something he liked to think about.  Not, when in his heart, he was still convinced that there had only ever been one woman for him.  And not when he continued to believe in the eternal and unbreakable sanctity of marriage.  After all, it was not “till some stupid paper you sign while you are mad do you part.”  Last time he checked, the only legitimate separation was death.  Which, by the way was why he had asked the justice of the peace to leave that line out of his current wedding vows.  No way would he wish death on Debbie, and he sure as hell did not intend to have to die to get away from this situation. 

“The situation:” that was how he thought of what was going on with Debbie.  They shared a clean-cut business arrangement, not a holy connubial bond, even though he understood that he had put himself in a position that projected that exact image to the world.  He always had intended to find the ‘one and only,’ and to grow old with that special person.  What he had not bargained on was that the love of his life would turn on him, jump ship when things got a tad bit rocky, make impossible demands on his time, get jealous and unreasonable, and be just…words escaped him...well, be a straight up bitch. 

On the other hand, he had also been amazed to find that he could not simply move on and leave the past where it belonged.  At one point, he had honestly thought that his life would be complete once he  had parenthood to look forward to.  After the loss of their baby, he supposed trying for another child right away would help Lisa and himself heal their immense pain.  He remembered looking at her helplessly as she initially stayed submerged in tears, then spent endless and countless hours staring into space, lost to him and his efforts to comfort her.  His words and his love had obviously not sufficed to get her over the loss.  Anger had set in. What did she think?  That his agony was less because he was not the one who had physically carried their hope for the future?  Once, she told him she felt guilty for having let him down, for having been the one whose body had betrayed them.  To him, such thoughts were utterly useless and also completely unproductive.  The doctors had assured them that early miscarriages sadly happened quite frequently and that there was no reason to think they would not be able to have another child at some point.  Lisa already was a mother, so why was she beating herself up uselessly?  Obviously, her body was able to have children, so he thought it was best to move on and try again. 

While Lisa was not opposed to the process of trying, she was hesitant about actually committing to having another child. 

“It’s just too soon, Michael.”

Too soon?  Too soon to overcome the pain and embrace their future?  He had been stunned and angered by her refusal to see things his way and by her choice to instead wallow in sadness.  So, while her way to heal had involved spending extra time with her kids and for some reason with her ex-husband, he had buried himself in work and in keeping in touch with his friends.  Of course, complicated as this thing called marriage seemed to be, Lisa, then had announced she wanted more of his time.  Which was ridiculous since he already spent crazy amounts of time thinking about her.  He did not have to be in the same room to feel close to his wife.  He also did not deem it necessary to assure her every five minutes of his love verbally.  He married her- of course he loved her.  And he knew she loved him.