To Have and To Hold

Chapter 36

London, Carlton Tower Hotel: July 16, 1997

"You look tired..."

Lisa was on her belly, her chin resting in her hand, looking down on Michael. He looked so still, and for a moment she thought he was asleep. But no, he had just thrown himself onto the bed seconds earlier after getting back to the suite following their 'little outing.'

God, if only I could lie here like this forever, staring at him, wondering how in the hell I got so lucky to be the one right here with him?

The remnant screams blasting from the mouth of the crowd encroaching on them, swallowing them, sweeping them up, still rang in her ears like cannon fire. How in the world could he live like this? How did a family trip to a toy store became a mob scene? How had she exposed her children to this? Did he see how crazy this was? After all, he had been dealing with this for most his life now. No wonder some of his behavior were so unlike anything else she had ever been around. He lived unlike any other person. Unlike any living person, anyway. His frame of reference was off because his normal consisted of ducking in and out of hotel rooms, swimming in a mass of adoring people, while having to look happy and thrilled. And never scared to death. As she had been. Especially, when feeling so totally out of control about the safety and security of her children: Ben being rushed through by security and Riley being protected by Michael. What if they had stumbled? Oh God, they could have been crushed. Didn't a fan get run over by one of the cars? She shuddered...

Of course, she should be genetically conditioned to deal with waves of adoring fans. Some sort of mutant anti-squished gene. Only, her Dad had pretty much shielded her from that side of his life. Times had been different, too. Celebrities had not become game to be hunted and hounded yet. Back then, her Dad had been able to take her for drives around Memphis in his golf cart, and people had mostly been very respectful. It seemed insane to even imagine Michael driving around anywhere without the shield of his army keeping him alive. And Lisa was well aware of the arsenal his team kept around for cases of emergencies. His fans loved him...but all that love could suffocate.

Wasn't it funny how their love never seemed too restrictive for him, though?

While my love was so oppressive. Then, anyway...What about now?

Well, that was easy...they were on borrowed time. Surely, in the back of his mind he knew this would end. And he'd have his much desired freedom. And what would she have? Memories? Hope again? A silver lining that would slowly turn into nothing but coal dust?

No, Lisa forced herself to swallow the bitter thoughts. She would not have come all this way had she thought this was a one-time thing.

Ok, genius, what is it then?

It was...something. Some new start she could not name but could feel. He had all but promised. He was wearing their ring again. That had to mean something.

Yes, it means, he is a married man wearing the meaningless bauble of his old marriage. You should be so proud Lisa. You could not hold him in the marriage, but look, he put the old wedding ring back on...

Her heartbeat was rising along the tidal wave of vicious gall. No, not down this road again. Old insecurities and fears had once before moved the sandcastle into the waves before the tide was even approaching. That was the old thinking. Had she not thrown all that out? And in with the new, right? The new Michael. The man wanting her around. The man she fell in love with. So different than the cold stranger she had been married to. Circumspect, caring... Heck, he barely gave her enough time to go to the bathroom by herself.