Fix Me

12.

I took a deep breath and leaned over the edge of my balcony. Completely over it, too, so that I was bent in half, and my hair was hanging there. It actually felt really good since everything with Niall has made me so stressed and stiff.

"Liv!"

I sat up and moved my hair to the right. I saw Luke standing in the yard, waving. I waved back and went inside to go let him in. I basically ran downstairs and almost knocked him to the ground when I gave him a hug.

"Sorry for not saying bye to you yesterday."

"It's fine. Things got really... Interesting."

"Yeah, I just can't believe he's here." We started walking down the road together, and I wasn't even sure where we were going. I didn't even care.

"I can."

"Why?"

"You wouldn't answer him. If my girlfriend did that to me, I'd be on the first plane to wherever she was."

"We've never fought like that before.."

"He cares about you, Liv. He's obviously not going to like hearing that I've stayed the night."

"I just feel like he doesn't trust me."

"He doesn't trust me."

"But I do, and it's like that doesn't matter to him."

"He needs to just see it for himself, that's all." I shrugged and Luke sighed. "Are you coming to our show tonight?"

"Obviously. I wouldn't miss it for the world."

He smiled and gave me a hug. "Great. I have to go meet the guys ahead of time so we can take everything over early and set up."

"Okay, I'll probably be over there early too."

"Alright, I'll see you later then. Thank you for coming."

"Anytime." I gave him a smile and we turned in opposite directions so we could both go back to our homes. I immediately regretted my decision when I saw Niall sitting on my porch. He looked up when he heard my Vans against the pavement, and he looked so.. upset doesn't even do justice to the look he gave me. "What do you want Niall?"

"I want.. Need to talk to you."

"I don't want to to talk to you."

"Please just listen to me? And if you still never want to see me again, I completely understand."

I sighed. "Don't you have work to do back in London?"

"That's partly why I'm here. My studio wanted to send a representative here to listen to your friends and I jumped on it because I really needed to see you."

"Oh."

"Will you listen to me?"

I nodded and sat down on the grass. He got up and walked over to sit next to me. I moved away slightly, and he frowned, but didn't move closer.

"I want to start off by saying that I never should have said I regretted that night. I was just mad, because I felt like you were forgetting about me and how special I thought we were."

"We were special," I whispered.

"Were?" I didn't say anything and he sighed. "I don't want us to end."

"I thought you said there couldn't be an us."

"I think we both know that there was an us, no matter what I said."

"There was something there, yeah, but if that's true, why did you keep telling me to move on? And then you got really mad when you thought I had. Am I crazy, or does that seem like a lot of mixed signals?"

"You're right, and I shouldn't have told you it was okay when it wasn't. I'm not okay with you going out with other people. I hate it, and it drives me crazy to think that that's what you could be doing. And I really need you to know that I could never, ever regret sleeping with you. That night meant more to me than I think you'll probably ever know. It was just this huge reinforcement that you cared about me as much as I cared about you. I'm really hoping you still care about me, and that you don't hate me for saying I regretted it, and I want us to be official... That is, if you and Luke aren't together or anything."

I rolled my eyes.

"That was a stupid thing to say, I'm sorry."

"No, Niall."

"W-What?"

I had to turn away from him, because the look he was giving me was enough to make me change my mind. "I don't think it'd be worth it."

"It would!"

"No it wouldn't."

"It will. I trust you completely, and I know that nothing's going on between you and any of the other guys!"

"Yeah, while you're here. What happens when you go back to London and you can't see everything I'm doing?"

"I'll still trust you, I've seen that nothing's going on-"

"You freaked out as soon as you saw me and Luke together last night."

"Because I was still a little on edge about everything and I wasn't sure if I believe my heart or my head."

"What do you believe now?"

"My heart."

I took a deep breath and willed myself to look at him. "I'm sorry, Niall."

"Don't say that, because that's just another way to say no."

I didn't say anything.

"It's a no?" he whispered.

"I don't want to risk having my heart broken again. I don't think I could handle it."

"I'm not going to hurt you again."

"You're hurting me by being here, Niall! I've done nothing but sort out and store away my emotions and you being here is bringing them all back, and it hurts!"

"What do you want me to do? Leave?"

"Kind of!"

"Then I'll be gone in two days," he said harshly, and stood up. I couldn't look at him as he walked away, because I knew that I'd just start crying and begging for him to stay... but I knew that it wouldn't help if he stayed. "I just... Before I leave, I want you to know that I'm glad you have Luke, because he seems like he's helped you a lot. A lot more than I did."

I quickly stood up and turned around. "You're insane if you really believe that."

"I do."

"I wouldn't even have Luke if it wasn't for you! Any person I've ever met and actually talked to was because of you. I knew that talking to them would have made you so happy and proud, because it was progress and all I wanted to do was make you happy. You were always in the back of my mind, and that's why I'm friends with Luke and the guys. I did it for you. Seems kind of pointless now." I didn't even try to keep the tears back after that. Niall rushed over and wrapped his arms around me.

"Please stop crying? You know I hate seeing you cry."

I took a few deep breaths, and Niall pulled away from me when he thought that I was done. He softly put his hands on the sides of my face and gently moved his thumb against my cheek.

"I can't lose you Liv. If you'll only let me be your friend, then I'll accept it, but I can't never see or hear from you again."

I moved his hands away, and wrapped my arms around his waist. I could feel him sigh with relief and tighten his hold on me. I thought I heard him say I love you, but my ear was pressed against his chest so everything was muffled. I couldn't believe how much I had missed him, but now that he was here I was beginning to realize how much he was right. I can't live without him in my life somehow, but I'm a little unsure if us being friends is going to be enough for me. Or if it'll be enough for him.