The Heartbeat of the Drummer

HEARTBEAT #02

HEARTBEAT #02

CAIAH's POV

If you're given a chance, where would you stay?

In the past that is full of memories. Bad and good. Sad and happy. Painful and full of joy. Those memories that you want to keep remembering and those memories that became the scariest nightmare in your life. Those memories that is worth remembering and those memories that is hard to forget even though you really want to. Those laughs and cries that keeps playing inside your head. It keeps on getting louder to the point that you actually don't know what to feel. Agony or Joy. Their laughs makes you happy and their cries makes you feel the biggest pain

Or in the present that is full of dying hope. It will slowly creeps into your mind that you'll eventually think that it's over. Your life is over. You're just a dead person trying to feel pain to prove that you're actually a living person. You're numb and don't actually know what you're living for. What's your life for? You'll start to question your existence to the point that you'll just end up with the answer that you're not worth it. That your life is nothing. No one wouldn't care if you die. You'll just be there, lying lifeless, alone. You're going to be the only one who will cry for your own death, not because you die but because you realize that no one really care

Am I... really worth it? Some people wants to live longer but they didn't given a chance to do so. They have reasons to live and to fight for. But how about me? Do I have any? Do I really deserve to be in this wo—

"Caiah!!! Oh my God!!" I heard a familiar voice shouted

I blink my eyes for a couple of times and found my myself in the kitchen while holding a knife pointed on my wrist. I look at the door where the voice came from and I found Lei standing there with a shock face while holding her mouth

It takes a while before everything sinks in. I can feel my hand shaking but tried my nest to relax. I breath heavily and put the knife on the table behind me. I exhaled then face Lei who seem to realize what's happening

I gave her a small smile that I used to give her everytime she saw me in that kind of scenario. Nang makabawi siya ay mabilis siyang lumapit sa akin. I even saw her wiped a tear from her eyes

"Are you okay? Does it always happen when I'm away? Bakit hindi mo agad sinabi sa akin para naman nakauwi kaagad ako? What are you thinking? Do we need to go to your psychiatrist for a check-up?"

Napakunot ang noo ko sa sunod sunod niyang mga tanong at wala na akong naintindihan. I'm also in great shock that it happened again. I mean, it's been a while since I experience this and its kinda make me afraid of what's next

"I'm okay" the only answer that I can tell her to reassure her that everything's fine. She's been my constant companion for 6 years. Sa kanya ko inaasa ang lahat, pati na rin ang mga problema ko at ngayong kasal at may pamilya na siya, kailangan ko ng masanay na asikasuhin ang sarili ko. I don't want to be a burden to her, especially now that she's already happy

Naniningkit ang mga mata niyang nakatingin lamang sa akin, tila tinatantiya kung nagsasabi ba ako ng totoo. I look directly in her eyes to convince her na tila gumana dahil tumango tango pa siya

"Okay. So let's go" she said and motioned me to follow her

"To where?" I asked confusely

"To the most famous bar around the area!" Excited na saad niya habang nakabuka pa ang mga braso

"And that is?" Hindi ako pamilyar sa mga bar at isang beses pa lamang ako nakakapunta sa lugar na 'yon, hindi pa maganda ang kinalabasan

I shook my head, trying to avoid memories from coming back