Love You In My Mind // Sirius Black

Chapter 30

I can't tell you when or how I managed to return to my dormitory without having to answer my friends' questions.
I can't tell you how I managed to avoid the marauders the next day, either.
All I know is that I kept hiding behind some books, without actually being able to read a single word. It was if I was in a trance.

Again, I don't know how, but I managed to keep myself together in Aleya's, Lina's and Valerie's presence. I was quiet, but they didn't ask me any questions, which I was very relieved for.

I felt a little bad for not saying goodbye to James, Peter and especially Remus, but all that was forgotten when I headed towards Mum and embraced her as tightly as never before.

In that moment, my eyes started to burn again and my throat felt sore, but I blinked rapidly to prevent the tears from leaving my eyes.
I was so glad to be with my mum again, I didn't want her to know I was sad. And I didn't want her to worry... She already had enough on her plate.

When we got home, I immediately hid myself in my room, turned the music up and let the tears fall.
It had been harder than I had thought to keep them at bay throughout the whole day.

My therapeutic crying session had to end sooner than I'd wanted it to, though.

"Freya? What are you doing?"

Wait. If Francisca was home already, I'd been crying for two hours. It'd felt shorter than that.

I quickly sat up, and the shock had luckily stopped my crying. Now, probably only my eyes and face were red.

When my sister opened my bedroom door, her reaction let me know that my guess had been correct. A worried look crossed her pretty face.

"Merlin, Freya, are you alright?"

I nodded, trying to stay strong and brush it off, but with the first nodd of my head, the tears started to stream out again. "Yes," I still croaked out pathetically.

Francisca quickly shut the door behind her and rushed next to me on my bed. "What is it?"

Between my sniffles and sobs, I managed a "It's nothing."

But it didn't take a Ravenclaw to know that I was obviously lying.

Francisca eyed me worriedly, before leaning forward and bringing me into a tight hug. "I suppose you don't want to talk about it, so I won't force you to tell me. Just know that you can; I'm always here for you, you know that."

A high sound escaped from the back of my throat as I nodded.
Francisca stroked my back soothingly. "Shhh. It'll be okay."

Would it? I had my doubts. This whole situation seemed hopeless. Sirius hadn't been crushing on me, but Marlene.
And I couldn't even blame him for it; she was a wonderful girl. Next to her, I stood no chance.
How could things get better when Sirius loved Marlene?

Francisca ignored my silence (or continuous sobbing) and kept stroking my back, while the other hand was brushing over my hair. "You may not see it right now, but it will. That's because time -frankly- doesn't give a shit about you, as harsh as it sounds. Time doesn't care about you, so whatever happens to you, it will just keep going. Whatever shit is going on, time will force you to live through it. Time forces you through all the changes in your life. But because time always keeps passing, that means that even the worst moments in your life will pass by. Right now may be a bad time, but it'll change for the better, again, too. You just have to wait.
You just have to keep suffering for 24 hours. Then another 24 hours, and yet another 24, and another. But eventually, even after all seems lost, another 24 hours are over, and everything is better again. Trust me on this."

I didn't know where her words came from, and I didn't know if they actually helped.... Because even if this was only temporary - which I didn't believe it was - it didn't change the fact that everything hurt like hell.

But still, her sitting here with me, hugging me and just being there for me made me feel slightly better.
It didn't make me feel less hurt, but it did make me feel less lonely.

My sister squeezed me a little tighter.
"Time's a bitch but it'll pass," she concluded

"Thanks," I whispered, returning the hug just as forcefully.

Francisca kissed my head. "You know I'm always here for you, whenever you're ready."

I nodded quietly.

Why didn't I tell her? Talking to someone could actually help, I knew that.... But I think I was ashamed.
Ashamed because I was so hurt, so sad.

I'd never thought I'd cry over a boy.
It was a little embarrassing to admit to myself.

And I was ashamed for falling for Sirius, out of all people. Why him? The super popular boy who could have anyone he wanted. Not me, apparently.

I felt stupid for ever believing something else.

I just couldn't get the truth over my lips.
I'd wanted to do that yesterday, and see where that had brought me?

I was just too weak.

***

Because all of the pain I was trying to suppress, hide and forget, I kept myself busy.

Throughout my first week at home, I completely cleaned my room, while listening to energetic rock music, which I trusted to keep my thoughts from turning depressing. When I was done with that, I continued with the rest of the house.

I read even more than usual, and that was really saying something. Though I paid close attention to not read any books that included romance - which was really hard to find.
In the end, I didn't even like the books all that much. They were way too boring and factual, but distractions all the same.
And I actually finished my homework when the second week of the summer break began. (Except for Arithmancy and Astrology. I left those ones for later - or never.)
I'd done them just to stay busy, to not let my thoughts wander off, and I think that actually worked.

I felt numb and cold and hurt all of the time, but at least I wasn't feeling as if someone was constantly stabbing my heart, or choking me and keeping me from breathing. Whenever I was keeping myself busy, I didn't cry.

But then there were the evenings and nights. Right before I fell asleep, I couldn't keep myself busy and my mind was running highwire.

So basically, whereas I managed to suffer through the days..... I always cried myself to sleep.

In case you haven't already, this is your cue to listen to 'Love You In My Mind' by Brynn Cartelli and cry 🙂

Now, I've only really planned this story very carefully until the previous chapter. (I've planned the book all the way to the end, of course, but not so carefully, yanno?)
Even though I know how I want this story to end and what I want to happen until then, I don't know what exactly and how exactly I want to write that .
I still have to think of ways to achieve and approach the next milestones of the story, you know?

And because of this, I don't know how the future updates will go.....
I thought I'd give you a heads up.

And thank u all so much for over 1k  views.... Means a lot🥺💙

Thanks for reading and stay happy!

Xoxo, your fangirl 💙