Love You In My Mind // Sirius Black

Chapter 38

-or it's writing books and ignoring all of my responsibilities

"I'm out of questions," Sirius broke the silence. He looked at me. "Can you think of anything else?"

I didn't even have to think about it. "No."

Sirius sighed and directed his view back to the stars.

It was very late November (and therefore really fricking cold, just a side note) and Sirius and I were having our usual meet-up on the Astronomy tower.

Sirius had always used these meetings as an opportunity to just rant about his favourite subject (here and there disguised as a question) and told me all about constellations, the reason for the names and background stories of everything.

I always sat here and listened, watching how Sirius was beaming and how his eyes were sparkling when he could go off about Astronomy. I loved it.

"Then let's just change the topic for once," I suggested and pulled my robes a little closer to my body. The warming charm I'd casted before seemed to be wearing off.

"Okay," Sirius shrugged. "What else can we talk about, though?"

I shoved his shoulder playfully. "Literally anything," I chuckled. "How's your Quidditch going?"

He narrowed his Grey eyes suspiciously. "Are you trying to spy on us?"

I really hadn't thought that this thought would cross his mind, so I raised my eyebrows in confusion and disbelief. "As if! You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to, I just suggested a new topic."

"I know, I know," Sirius smiled and laid his hand on his chin. "Hmm. What can I tell you?"

He ignored the roll of my eyes. "Well, since we've won against Slytherin this time, we're really ambitious to get the cup, so James is chasing us across the pitch way too often. He's a maniac."

I let out an airy chuckle. I could really imagine James doing that. But as a matter of fact, Sirius had put a finger exactly on my wound- Ravenclaw had lost their first match of the season against Hufflepuff, which had been an unmotivating start of the season.

But the Seeker often made the game, and ours was a new addition; so less experienced and less trained. Although we'd been leading with 60 points, Hufflepuff's Seeker had caught the Snitch and ended the game.

Sirius noticed my silence. "Oh, oops. Sorry, Frey."

I sighed and shrugged. "It's alright. If Hufflepuff loses against Slytherin, and if we beat them, we can still win the cup."

Sirius shook his head confidently. "Yes, but no. It's Gryffindor's turn to win the cup again. We don't want James to leave Hogwarts depressed, do we?"

I tilted my head disbelievingly. "Excuse me? We beat you last time and we can do it again, just wait and see." I ignored how Sirius shook his head again and continued, unbothered. "Besides, James wouldn't have to leave Hogwarts with depression - Didn't Lily agree to go to Hogsmeade with him next weekend? He's happy enough for the rest of his life, now."

"Oh, I forgot about that. But still, we want the cup and we'll get it, I'm telling you."

"Cocky much?"

"Uhm, do you know me at all?"

Of course he knew that he was very self confident, it was Sirius I was talking to. "Yeah I do. And while I think that a little bit of self confidence is very important, that doesn't mean one can't overdo it."

Sirius' grin deepened. "That's what Marlene always says, too."

My smile faltered, but I quickly hid it behind laughter. "She's not wrong."

Sirius pulled a face before breaking into a huge grin again. "Maybe you aren't."

We were quiet for a little while. Sirius was still beaming uncontrollably, looking at the pretty stars in front of us. I could tell what he was thinking of.

"You're really happy with her, huh?" I asked, genuinely curious. I mean, I always saw it, but maybe it would make it easier for me if I actually heard him say it directly to my face.

Sirius' reply didn't let me wait. "I really am. She's really special to me, and I'm so glad to have her as my girlfriend. She always manages to make me laugh with witty and sarcastic comments, she's smart, and kind and pretty - literally all anyone could ask for, right?"

There was this painful tug in my stomach again, but he had said nothing I hadn't thought myself before.
Because Sirius was right.

I smiled at him. "I'm glad you're so happy."
And I really meant it. I was glad to see him so happy, but I was still sad that the person responsible for this wasn't me.
But I'm repeating myself.

There. I had heard him say it. He was incredibly happy. And maybe it did make a little part of me feel better, but the majority of me was still hurting.

"Freya, are you okay?" Sirius eyed me worriedly.

"Yes, of course! Sorry, I got a little lost in my thoughts," I quickly brushed it of.

"I can tell," Sirius said before smiling reassuringly. "Don't worry. You're amazing; I'm sure you'll find the right person, too."

I chuckled humorlessly. I thought I already had.

Sirius apparently misinterpreted my reaction. "I swear! Any person who wouldn't want to date you is an idiot."

I forced my face to look happy. Funny.
"Thank you," is what I actually said.

This conversation Sirius and I had had that night was good for me in a different sense, I realised later.

It had given me closure. I was now one hundred percent sure that Sirius was incredibly happy and that he didn't want to be with anyone else.

And that brought me to bitter acceptance. I wouldn't try to change it.
I knew that I couldn't. What I could do, however, was let Sirius be happy. So I wanted to do that and find my peace in that.

It didn't mean that I would have to love him any less.
I could still love him, just from a... distance.
He'd never have to know.

I bitterly accepted the fact that I wouldn't tell him my feelings to his eyes.

Love was a thing to feel, after all, and not a thing to say, so it didn't really matter.

I had my grudge and I was sad because Marlene got everything I wanted.

But I still had Sirius in my life, and that was all I could ask for. I could be grateful for that.

That night, with a very heavy heart, I accepted that Sirius and I would never be a couple.

I still loved him. Quietly, secretly, and from the back.
Maybe I wasn't able to tell or show him. But I was still able to love him in my mind.

Nice?
(no, it's not over, just in case you were wondering (I don't think you were, but I didn't want to risk it xD))

Byee