🐚 | mcyt oneshots (discontinued)

could it be that it's only in my head?

i haven't posted a single thing in like two months so have this vent written at 1am (:

pairing; technically there's no pairing lol (just think of it as any ship/friendship you want ig)

prompt; something from my brain at 1am

title from; sugar pills, idkhbtfm

tws; death, mentions of depression/suicide

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he was my favourite colour. he thought it was ridiculous and asked for me to explain, but i was too embarrassed. why was i embarrassed?

was it because i didn't want to ruin our friendship, or did i think it was too cheesy to even verbalize? i'll never know; i don't want to dwell too deep on it.

now that he's gone, and i'm whispering words to myself and scrawling down meaningless things, i truly understand what i meant by him being my favourite colour.

he was my life, my happiness. to be without him felt like the one ugly-coloured crayon in the bottom of the pencil bag, the one that nobody used. to be with him was ethereal, every moment spent with him a glorious heaven on earth. he was my truth, my reason to stay on this wretched planet, a reason to stay alive just a little longer.

i cannot believe i'm comparing my love life to a pack of crayons i probably used in kindergarten.

without him, my life is coloured that ugly shade nobody ever liked. i'm forced to use the one last crayon in the box to colour inside the lines like society wants or go rampant on the paper, and nobody can stop me. which would he want me to do? it's the only reasonable question in my head at the moment.

i believe i have part of the answer: he would want me to stay out of trouble, to live my life to the fullest. and this answer only brings me even more questions. why would i do that? what's the point? all the basic questions normal depressed teens ask as they're faced with a "difficult decision."

the rest of the words are messily scribbled out

and this is my goodbye, i guess.