WAVING THROUGH THE WINDOW | 김선우

01 ᴡʜᴀᴛ ᴀ ᴛɪᴍᴇ

"they said to expect the unexpected"

GYEOUL

"Gyeoul. We'll be with you no matter what, you know that, right? We're thinking of moving away. Somewhere you can start anew, let the pain subside, and let yourself be happy again, freely. We just want to hear your thoughts on this, do you want to leave?", mum asks, slightly panicked almost in hurry. I thought it seemed like she really wanted to move.

"Can you let us know what you want, please?" she asks again, softer than her last question, eyes pleading for me to mutter even just a few words but there I remain—quiet, motionless, staring at her, the only thing present in the room is the silence that follows her question.

She comes up in front of me, "At least nod your head or shrug—or anything—just please, give me a reaction.", another plea that, for some reason, is so hard to reply to but still I ponder on the question. 

What do I want?

Helpless: the only thing I can say about myself right now. Helpless because as much as I want to reach out to tell her what I was feeling, my mouth doesn't want to open.

I feel weak.

Weak from the events that recently happened, weak from not being able to do anything after that—weak because I can't even answer my mom who is begging to hear my voice.

As much as I want to stand up and help myself move on from the events, it isn't easy.

Gyeoul, why don't you just reach out your hand? People are willing to help you if you want to be helped.

It's not that easy. It will never be easy to ask for help. Yes, if I just let people in they could help but there's a time for that.

There is a right time for someone to be able to call for help and be ready of being comforted.

I know that.

I badly want to reach out so even when I don't think I'm ready, I am willing to try.

Not in a forceful way and pushing myself to do something I'm not ready to do but I remembered someone once said to me, "you'll never be ready until you're doing it.". 

We never know when we'll be ready and the right time comes when it comes.

Trying is a process of reaching out and if I fail then I'll just try again tomorrow. It'll be okay.

So I reassure myself, surround my head with a little positivity that could help lessen the fear that hinders me from opening up to someone important to me.

Sitting down, with my mom kneeling down in front of me, her eyes filled with worry and anticipation.

I make out a small, let's move please, and a nod of confirmation to my mom that she can hold me and guide me out of the room to help me try eating.

She smiled. The first time that I've seen her smile since she brought me home that day.

I've always adored my mom's smile, it was always soft and welcoming, her dimples showing even if she wasn't smiling with her teeth on display. The kind of smile that makes you feel warm, that gives you that sense of comfort.

And for the first time in months, I smiled. 

I didn't need to fake it because it's my mum in front of me. 

The person who has always been there for me since day 1 and even when I push her away, she keeps her foot on the ground and doesn't hesitate to be there for me in any way she can.

A genuine smile.

I hug her and at the moment nothing else around us mattered to me but the beating of my mum's heart that I can hear as my ear is pressed onto her chest, a coping mechanism that I've been doing since I was a child that helps calm me.

Soft cries from my mum reach my ear as I come back to reality and I realize that she might've heard my painful sobs.

I said sorry repeatedly but was disrupted by her, "I'm sorry, I wasn't there enough for you, maybe you wouldn't be this hurt if I just watched you a little more. I wish I knew."; her cries of pain.

And finally, I found myself out of that dark room once again cuddled up to my parents who were repeatedly saying sorry, their arms around me like I'd disappear if they don't hold tightly.

I've finally reached out to a person who deserved to know how their child was feeling.

This is the first step to my journey of healing.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

sometimes i forget when u write in watty it has like this double space kind of thing:(( but issoki also sry the first chapter is pretty short hehe 

unedited