WAVING THROUGH THE WINDOW | 김선우

05 ᴛʜɪs ᴏɴᴇ's ғᴏʀ ᴍᴇ

"let's learn how to live in the present and not be locked up in the past"

tw// panic attacks, hints of self-harm

All Sunoo heard was a slam of a door seconds after he tucked himself under the blanket.

"That turned out worse than I honestly imagined..."

He looks at his phone realising everyone was listening to his fight with his mum about school.

With shoulders dropped, he dejectedly says, "Y'all heard the whole thing right? Well, guess I don't have to break it to you guys that I'm not gonna go to school with you this year."

"It's okay. It's for your own good, I know it won't be the same but if it's any consolation, we'll visit you a hella lot."

"Yeah! We'll even bring everything with mint chocolate and we'll all eat it!"

"WHAT?! WHY ARE WE INCLUDED? HELL NO! JUST YOU!"

Laughing slightly at his friends' attempt to cheer him up, he replies, "Okayy! I need to go so bye! I'll see you guys soon."

Annoyed. That's how he felt the moment his mum shut the door and even as he hung up the phone, his frustration never went away.

He knew the risks. He knew that his parents' answer was bound to be something he wouldn't like.

He understands his condition of course but who wouldn't be annoyed about not being able to do something you want to do?

He's been waiting all summer for this. He did his best to not fall ill or did anything to feel less than great but despite having been stable for months, he was back to reality.

His parents refused to bring him to regular school despite the fact that he has been doing great the past few months leading to this day.

He just wanted to at least be like a normal student and go to school like everyone else.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't envious of his friends.

How they get to roam around freely, go to school and do activities like any normal student.

Crying doesn't help. He knew that ever since he could grasp the idea about his heart condition that was very unpredictable but sometimes it can't be helped.

The tears just keep pouring and it gets harder to breathe—the same thing that happens every single time he cries.

Why?

Why was he born this way? Why does he have to live like this? Why can't he be normal like every other person? Why can't he just get a new heart and get it over with? or better yet, just die? he won't have to feel like this; so useless and worthless.

How does he manage to be so happy despite anything?

He wonders if anything he feels is even true at this point. He doubts the way he perceives things. Does he actually feel happy? Was there ever a moment where he was actually happy? Or was he just acting like it and got used to acting to the point where he forgot to stop pretending that he was happy?

Startled with a phone ring, he wipes his tears with the sleeves of his sweater and hurriedly answers the phone, not minding to check who was actually calling him.

"Hey, it's Niki..."

"I just wanted to check up on you since you're a crybaby so I was worried you might cry too much, you know?"

"I'm okay, don't worry."

"Just a little disappointed but nothing I didn't expect, you know?"

"Yeah, okay... but of course you're hurt so you do know it's okay to feel that way, right?"

"Hang in there, Sunoo."

"and... we're here for you always... and I don't just say that to comfort you. I really do mean it."

"mhm... thanks"

"I said a lot of words and that's all you have to say?"

"You're welcome, happy new year, happy christmas, happy birthday!"

"Is that enough?"

"I hate you..."

"LOVE YOU TOO NIKI THANK YOU FOR CHEERING ME UP GOODBYE!"

Maybe he really wasn't truly happy, maybe he likes to pretend he is—not to make anyone feel better but to make himself believe that there is something to hold on to other than the fact that he's alive with this heart complication that he cannot get rid of.

Maybe he likes to pretend to make things lighter for him; so he's not this kid, filled with melancholy and despondency.

It might not be what he wanted, his parents' reply might not be what he wanted it to be, and nothing changed for him...

But at least he knew it was for his own good.

He'll make his life at home as fun as he can make it.

He'll keep pretending until it becomes real or wait for something to make him feel that happiness he's been waiting for.

And until then, it is enough for him.

GYEOUL

The moment I stopped writing because it felt like the walls were closing in,

I felt another level of fear.

The moment it felt like my lungs were closing in,

I saw black surround me.

The moment I reached up to tug at my hair and hit myself, hoping to rid of the ache,

I felt every emotion rushing through me.

The moment I thought of banging my head against the wall, wanting to pass out,

or when it felt like the sharp object on my desk was calling me,

maybe it was simply the want to scratch my arms,

or the want to scrub my body free of dirt,

I felt so dirty and helpless.

And even as I close my eyes to try to sleep or when I stare at nothing to hopefully rid of the dizziness and the black dots that were blocking my eyesight,

I felt nothing

But I also felt everything.

I shouldn't feel bad for things I didn't do or feel worse as I remember everything about the past I badly want to forget,

I shouldn't be sorry for being a victim of their hurtful words and actions—I never asked for it.

I never wished for anything like that.

I don't ask about why it was happening to me,

I didn't complain, I didn't try anything I knew would make things worse.

But maybe that's what went wrong,

Maybe I should've said something and maybe things wouldn't have turned for the worst.

I realised it late but I am proud to say that this step to moving on was for me.

That this one's for me.

Acceptance and comprehension—another step to healing.

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i hope you are doing ok :)

kinda late but happy 2022 to youu<3