Nothing Stays Buried (Lunar River Series)

1.Struggle

Kristofer

The night is quiet and cold, colder than most but I enjoy weather like this. It's in these quiet moments that I can gather my thoughts and truly organize my feelings. It's how I learned to compartmentalize after my father died. 

I pull out my favorite grey sweater and zip it up. The material is worn and a stitch is coming undone on the hem of the left sleeve with each was, but it's the most comfortable one I got. I have had this sweater for years. The only time I can wear it is during this time of year.

Even with winter upon us, as a breed of werewolves, we don't need much to keep us warm. We naturally have warmer bodies than humans due to thicker skin, allowing us to insulate heat better and when we shift, our thick fur keeps us toasty against the cold. But every now and then an extra layer is needed in our human form, like tonight.

Content with my attire, I step out of my room into the silence of the lived-in walls. The house is empty at the moment and even so, I feel suffocated. Alex is hanging out with Demetrius doing some training, Cassius is with his mate Atlas, and my mother is...well...she is out.

I try to shake off the uncomfortable feeling that never seems to fall off my shoulders at the thought of my mother, and step outside into the clear night. My feet, as if on autopilot, walk around back to the old swing I built as a kid behind the house. My father helped me put it together since I couldn't climb the tree properly back then. It is my favorite place to be when I want to think. When I want to be alone.

Out of all the things that have come and gone in my life, this swing is the only thing that never changes. It's become my safe haven of sorts. I did also go to my mother but with her new romance or rather re-kindling romance, I barely see her. Honestly, it's okay that I don't. I cant wrap my mind around her and Martha being an item at the moment.

I push myself on the old plastic slab I attached to some sturdy rope and look up at the stars.  The sky is clear and twinkling without a cloud in sight. I trace with my eyes the constellations above me. I always liked pointing out the Lupus constellation but it only appears in June. With the wind reminding me of November, I sigh and trace the other star above me, Orion's belt.

 In two nights it will be a full moon and it thrills me to no end knowing it is almost time for our run. I want to feel the escape. I want to let go and let my wolf, Zeus, take over. I can run with my pack and bond with them. Clear my mind. It'll give me the clarity I need. With my eyes closed, I take in a deep breath and exhale the exhaust my mind is drowning in. With the weight of my body, I begin to swing, letting my feet dangle the higher I go.

A gust of wind aids my swing and sends a slight chill down my skin. A clear reminder that next week is also thanksgiving. Both our packs, Alpha Atlas and mine, want to have dinner together but I don't know if I am ready to be around my mate when she so clearly rejected me.  

I knew I should have said something when we first met but I let the shock of it all get the best of me. I waited too long and now I am left wondering if I should end this? If I should accept the rejection and completely break our bond? How can I live thirty years and finally find my mate, only to have her run away? I suck my teeth at the thought. I should have said something. Iris might have reacted differently... or maybe not, I don't know, but it hurts nevertheless.  I will never get the chance to try and love her. The rejection is killing our connection but I don't want to let go. 

Sure she went through an ordeal but the bond certainly helps with that, right? I hate that I feel this way because honestly, even listening to myself I know I sound like a prick. Another gust of wind kicks up and this time slices through my sweater allowing me to feel the bite of the cold a bit more. I just don't want to hurt anymore. I hurt for so long from my father to loneliness, and now hurting over losing her as quickly as I found her.