Somber Reminiscence

CH. 31

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Song Rec. - As the World Falls Down by David Bowie

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"So Elena, how have you been?" She crosses one leg over the other, tapping the pen on the table, an empty notepad next to it.

"Since my best friend was murdered or since my other best friend slaughtered someone with the Captain America shield?"

Was that snarky? Maybe. But at this point, I didn't know what other direction a question like that would be going in, or what direction she wanted it to go in.

She lets air out of her nose, tipping her head to the right.

"Since everything." She sat up straight, putting the pen down as she continued. "Look you have a complicated life, no doubt-" I interruptedly snort in agreement, causing her to pause for a moment, "-yes, but a lot of things have changed in a matter of days, you've lost and gained a lot."

The amusement dulls on my face as I leaned back on the chair, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Elena I just want to know how you're adjusting to all of it."

I looked away from her observing stare, trying to cast a shadow over what she could pick apart as I thought it over.

I lost Lemar, basically lost the best of John, created an old relationship with Bucky, and am currently in shackles by the government.

"I'm fine. Everything's fine."

Was I lying? Of course I was lying. No one's ever fine, and I for one beat the average of why I wouldn't be.

"Okay. Were you fine after Lemar passed yesterday?" I look up at her then, dreading this question. "Did you go through the grieving process or talk to someone about it?"

"I'm here, so I wasn't given time to grieve."

Thinking back to it, I guess I went through the process quickly. Still working on the first and last step of denying and accepting it, in different ways that I knew he was gone but still wanted him to come back.

"Okay. So what will you do when you're out of here?"

Go home. Cry. Maybe sleep. Maybe just sit there and think things over.

"I want to see Bucky."

The words came out before I could consider them, taking me back as much as it did Dr. Raynor.

Unknowingly it shown just how stubborn my thoughts were and all the overthinking I'd done that had me leaving earlier.

There was a small silence in the room, Dr. Raynor nodding her head as she thought of responses.

"So why'd that surprise you as much as it did then?" She finally asked.

I ran my hand up and down my arm, sighing in reply.

"Elena."

"I'm worried I'm bothering him too much about it. About everything."

Looking up at her, she wore an almost pitying smile, nodding her head as she must've been thinking up a reply.

"Look-" she leaned in, putting her forearms down on the table. "-He's not my patient anymore, so I can say this." She paused as if that was directed to the cameras or mics in the room rather than me. "James needs you."

I stayed quiet, feeling the words persuade the better in me.

"You keep pushing people away as he did then it won't get easier. Let him help you."