ruthless

chapter 51: struggle

luciano's pov:

I turn over in bed "niki" . I make sure to be loud enough so she can hear me. i listin for her synced breathing and no response. okay she's asleep i slip out of bed and head into the bathroom.

that feeling takes over again. the feeling of being dirty, the feeling like my mothers blood still covering my body. it just won't go away unless i shower and it doesn't last long.

I stand in the shower letting the boiling water hit my  skin. my skin had been dryer than usual,it's probably from all the showers i've been taking.

After my body feels clean again I step out and dry off before walking back to my room as quietly as possible and changing.

I look at her at the spark lights in my body. All this anger, all this hate,all this sadness and pain,she gives me a spark of happiness.

i walk over to my bed and look at niki for a moment my hand tucks the hair behind her ear so i get a better look at her. i know she won't wake up, niki sleeps the heaviest in my bed.

I pull away from her and head downstairs. looking at the clock in the kitchen 5:00 am okay not bad. I walk over to the bar and grab the whiskey from the front row before heading outside.

i stopped going out to think for a while and so did niki,but i can't talk to her,or anyone professional about what's going on. I could text him. no Luciano you can't you blocked him years ago he would be hard to find.

I sat down on the couch and open the bottle of whisky taking a swig. I let the alcohol sit in my mouth for a moment before letting it burn my throat. I roll my tounge on the roof of my mouth letting the taste of the whisky last.

then it fades to that bitter salty taste my body has been telling me to get. no. I take a larger swig and swallow as quickly as possible. fuck.

...

"i've had this urge" i sit on the stool with a bottle of water. "I'm trying so hard to fight it. but it's hard because of everything i'm feeling. anger, sadness, more anger,confusion, and i'm really fucking tired"

i sigh uncapping the water again "nikis trying to get me to sleep like the amazing girlfriend she is" i laugh a bit before taking a sip

"So I fake sleep and wait till she's out before dealing with my issues my way" Alex looks at me with rage in his eyes "and this urge,it's a very old habit i used to have. but when i hear you two screaming it makes the urge go away" i play with the knife for a moment.

i throw the knife into chris stitched shoulder
causing him to scream. tilting my head back before standing up and walking over to him, I smile as I rip the knife out of his shoulder before walking over to alex.

"this is some good patch work" i drag the knife along alex's face here he has a long line of stitches on the cheek from where i slashed him yesterday.

I step closer and I place the knife on his face "you might have to get these re done '' i dig the knife under the first stitch and pluck it out of his skin. I do this until half his stickers are ripped apart.

He screams the whole time and blood comes out of the wound. i pull the knife way and walk over to chris who has his head turned

"Look" I grip his face but he doesn't move. "Look at him" I lean down and slap his face in the direction of his brother "stop!" Chris yells "why should i!" I yell back. "this is how i felt when my mother died in my arms"

i pause "i felt helpless,and sad, and angry because i couldn't save her" i grip chris face harder "we said
we are sorry!" Alex speaks through his teeth.