Hamilton One Shots!!

One-Shot #2837461059

Angsty One-Shot inspired by @ariisdonewithlife 's always amazing writing so plz plz plz go check out her books (when she gets 'em up lmao)

TRIGGERS

none, it's just sad

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"I'm pushing you away because you deserve better!" I cried, throwing my hands down. "Why don't you understand? You're this perfect person, with a perfect family and a perfect life and a perfect body, and you're smart and handsome and sweet and everything that I'm not! I'm a broken, crumbling mess. " I stared down the ugly apartment carpet, my fists tight. It was the honest truth. When I stood next to him, I felt like I was nothing. I loved him with all of me, but I couldn't keep doing that. It was damaging my already cracked self-esteem in ways I thought I could get over. My heart ached when I looked at him, but it wasn't in a good way anymore. It was more of an 'I'm never going to be right for him' kind of aching.

"No. Don't do this, please," He pleaded, his eyes shining with tears and his lips trembling. He tried to pull me closer to him but I wasn't going to let him touch me anymore or else I might melt into his arms again and forget my entire plan. "I love you so much, Alex."

I squeezed my watery eyes shut and put a hand to my mouth, trying not to break down. I loved him too. I loved him more than anything in the world, he was all I had left. But I had to let him go. I was taking a toll on him too. I was needy, complicated, and kind of an asshole. He needed to stay in his perfect life; he'd lived there blissfully unaware for so long and now he didn't know what to do or how to handle it.

"I love you too, John. I love you a lot, but we aren't... it's not meant to be." I whispered, turning my back to him and letting out a sob. I tried to hide my tears to make this easier for both of us.

"Even if it's not meant to be, We can still change it! Please, you're what makes my life perfect. I couldn't care less about anything else. It's only you. You're everything to me." John put his hand on my shoulder and I didn't pull away. I turned around and launched myself into his chest, tears falling and hiccuped sobs escaping me.

"Y-you can't... mean t-that," I wailed, wanting to push him away but hold onto him forever at the same time.

"Of course I do. Alex, I don't care that you're broken. I want to help you, I want to be there for you whether you're on top of the world or at the bottom of the ocean. And, don't you dare say that you're not smart or sweet or handsome. You're so much more than words could ever explain," He murmured, his head buried in my hair.

I couldn't comprehend why he was saying such comforting words. The words weren't true. He knew it deep down, he had to know that I wasn't good enough for him. His parents said it outright, his siblings thought it, even John's friends had whispered piercing words just within my earshot. I pushed him away with my hands on his chest and ran to our bedroom, slamming the door and locking it. I slid my back down on the door and tucked my knees into my torso.

"Alex! Please, please just let me in." John cried from the other side, pounding on the door and turning the knob frantically. "Don't think that way."

"It's the truth! It's the truth and you know it is!" I yelled back, tears streaming down my cheeks. John's fists hit the door as he begged me to let him in. I could hear his sobbing, which was muffled against the wood door. He stopped hitting the door and slid down with his back, sitting just the way I was. 

"If you left me... you know what I'd do?" he said quietly, his voice strained through tears and sadness. "I'd lay in that bed and cry, No work or school or anything. I'd surround myself with the things you'd forget to take with you because you have the worst memory. I'd punch the wall, kick the furniture, throw things, and still cry when I did it. I'd beg for you to come back home. I'd stare at my phone and dial your number a million times but never actually call because you'd probably block my number. The only clothes I'd wear are the ones that you borrowed. Can't you see? I'd fall apart if you weren't there. The only reason I have a great life is because of you. Before I met you, I had to pretend to be this happy person with a perfect life while inside it was all broken. I'm nowhere near perfect, and I never have been, even when it seemed that everything was going to go my way. You're the one that helped me realize that I was living a lie, Alex. This life that I have now? It's a lot more true. It's a lot more real, more grounded, more alive, and that's all because of you. I've loved you more than I've loved anything in my life, you know that? I just... wouldn't exist right anymore if you left."

I listened to him spill his heart out to me through the door, putting my hand on the smooth wood to somehow feel more connected to him. I wanted to open the door and I wanted to apologize for my rash thoughts, but I didn't want to do any of that. I wanted to run away and never feel this way about anyone ever again. These feelings, this pain, the intensity of it all, it made my heart sore.

"Please, just say something." He whispered just loud enough for me to hear on the other side of the barrier.

"I love you," I let out. I heard John's breath catch in his throat and felt his relieved smile radiate through the door.

"I love you too, Alex. I love you so much."

"I'm sorry," I muttered, looking down at my hands with blurred vision and a racing mind.

"You don't need to be sorry."

There was a beat of silence between the two of us. I wondered what he was going to do next.

"Can you open the door?" He asked. I sighed and stood up, wobbling on my feet for a hot second. I gripped the doorknob, staring at the silhouette of the brass against the darkness of our bedroom. I slowly unlocked the door and turned the knob, moving my eyes so that when I opened the door, I looked right up into his.

John looked like a beautiful mess.

His t-shirt was stained with tears, as was his cheeks and eyes. His hair was out of its usual ponytail and mussed, looking like he'd been the one to make it that way. His face was red and splotchy, and every once in a while, his breath would catch. But still, somehow, he was still beautiful. He still looked like an angel that had somehow gotten down to earth; serene and ethereal and everything I wished I could be.

John took one step forward and wrapped his strong arms around me, clearly trying not to cry again. I latched onto his shirt and tried not to think too much about anything. I focused on his smell, the calming mix of laundry detergent and lavender. I focused on his soft, freckled arms around my waist and the content up-and-down movements of his chest.

"Don't ever think that you're not good enough, ok? You are more than enough. You're everything to me." he said, holding onto me tight in case I ran away again.

"I don't deserve you, John."

"You deserve the world, Alex," John answered simply, pulling me to the bed and laying me down in the blankets. He climbed in next to me and pulled me close to him, moving my hair aside slowly so he could rest his head right next to my neck. He laid his arms over my torso and I grabbed onto his hand, feeling my heart start to ache again. I closed my eyes and listened to the rhythmic sound of his breathing, trying to calm my mind.

"I love you. Never forget that. I love you so much," John said, almost inaudibly. He kissed the back of my neck, his lips brushing my skin. I shivered from the contact, and he pulled the blankets farther over my shoulders. "Sweet dreams, darlin'."